I live in Georgia. As you may know last year we and the whole South East U.S. had a horrible drought that we aren't exactly out of just yet.
Anyway, there were several water bans placed around the state. You couldn't water your grass. You couldn't wash your car. People were asked to take shorter showers and to hold off on washing clothes and dishes until you had a large load.
Well apparently our rationing was a success because now the water companies are complaining that since we've used so little water their income has evaporated and now they will have to increase our rates.
"Congratulations Georgia! You did so well at doing what we told you that we decided to punish you for it."
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
OH MY GOD!
You may think the History Channel is for dorks (it is) but you are wrong! (seriously it is)
Last night I watched one of their new shows called Monster Quest. Basically they take these legends of monsters and review them historically, and in some cases presently, to see if they hold any truth. They've done Sasquatch and Nessie from Loch Ness. In those shows they determined that there is no real proof or evidence to support the legends, just anecdotal sightings. They didn't discount the legends as total fabrication, but they didn't confirm them.
Last night they did Monster Fish. And, dear Lord, they are real. These aren't like sharks or whales or barracuda, people. These are fresh water fish that lurk in the watering holes we swim in on July 4. These are big-ass baby eaters. Holy crap, I'm still freaked out by them.
One fish, called the alligator gar http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alligator_gar lives in the southern US. That's my home people, I am not happy. This mother can get up to 300 pounds! And YES they bite. They don't nibble. They bite to eat.
Why have I never heard of these damn things?
The biggest fresh water fish they talked about was... did you guess? The friggin' catfish.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Giant_catfish
Apparently these damn things can get really flipping big; as big as 600 pounds. That's just evolutionarily not even fair. They had a girl from (I think) some Asian country on the show who said her young cousin was knocked off a boat they were both in and devoured by a catfish.
REVIEW:
BEING EATEN BY A CATFISH!
H
for
Howthefuckdoyouexplainthistoyourfamily?
ok, granted, if you are eaten by a catfish you don't have any explaining to do. you are dead. but let's say you go out on a boat for a romantic evening, perhaps to go skinny dipping after prom, which I didn't do, but it seems plausible. so there you are, on the deck of your pontoon boat, in all your naked glory, with your girlfriend swimming in the water. you think to yourself, "Man, I love being a naked teenager." then, all of a sudden, a catfish swallows your date. you barely even got a good look at her boobs and now she's fish food. you didn't get laid, my friend, you got screwed.
my suggestion:
do not tell the local authorities that your girlfriend was eaten by a fish. that's a one way ticket to the big top, pee wee. no one's gonna believe you and you will always be that nut who killed his girlfriend on prom night.
no.
here's what you do. admit to the skinny dipping. on the off chance that someone catches that damn catfish and cuts it open, and your naked girlfriend comes spilling out, you don't want everyone to be surprised by her lack of attire. then say that as you and she were about to consummate your wonderful love for each other when she had an epiphany; suddenly she began to glow with radiance and she said that she wanted to find the Holy Chalice of the Lord, so she jumped off the boat in the buff and swam for shore. you tried to pursue her, but you lost her in the dark waters. you think she was headed for France.
this is more believable. you will probably only do 7 years in the Pen if you tell a good lie like this one.
another option is to take your friends skinny dipping with you. it will get a titch uncomfortable when you catch Jon, your date's best-friend's boyfriend oogling your boy bits more than twice, then quickly looking away, but at least you'll have witnesses when the love of your semester is gobbled up by the fresh-water Kraken.
on the off chance that all three of your friends are gobbled up... well that's God telling you that he wants you to start a prison ministry from the inside.
***
Giant fish. I mean, holy crap. I can't get over it. I had finally come to terms with sharks in the ocean, alligators in Florida and Chthulu in my neighbor's swimming pool. Now I have to worry about 600 pound fish in the innocent rivers and ponds of America? That's old world shit. Maybe there's more magic in the world than I thought. I may want to reconsider that Bel and the Dragon story.
Last night I watched one of their new shows called Monster Quest. Basically they take these legends of monsters and review them historically, and in some cases presently, to see if they hold any truth. They've done Sasquatch and Nessie from Loch Ness. In those shows they determined that there is no real proof or evidence to support the legends, just anecdotal sightings. They didn't discount the legends as total fabrication, but they didn't confirm them.
Last night they did Monster Fish. And, dear Lord, they are real. These aren't like sharks or whales or barracuda, people. These are fresh water fish that lurk in the watering holes we swim in on July 4. These are big-ass baby eaters. Holy crap, I'm still freaked out by them.
One fish, called the alligator gar http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alligator_gar lives in the southern US. That's my home people, I am not happy. This mother can get up to 300 pounds! And YES they bite. They don't nibble. They bite to eat.
Why have I never heard of these damn things?
The biggest fresh water fish they talked about was... did you guess? The friggin' catfish.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Giant_catfish
Apparently these damn things can get really flipping big; as big as 600 pounds. That's just evolutionarily not even fair. They had a girl from (I think) some Asian country on the show who said her young cousin was knocked off a boat they were both in and devoured by a catfish.
REVIEW:
BEING EATEN BY A CATFISH!
H
for
Howthefuckdoyouexplainthistoyourfamily?
ok, granted, if you are eaten by a catfish you don't have any explaining to do. you are dead. but let's say you go out on a boat for a romantic evening, perhaps to go skinny dipping after prom, which I didn't do, but it seems plausible. so there you are, on the deck of your pontoon boat, in all your naked glory, with your girlfriend swimming in the water. you think to yourself, "Man, I love being a naked teenager." then, all of a sudden, a catfish swallows your date. you barely even got a good look at her boobs and now she's fish food. you didn't get laid, my friend, you got screwed.
my suggestion:
do not tell the local authorities that your girlfriend was eaten by a fish. that's a one way ticket to the big top, pee wee. no one's gonna believe you and you will always be that nut who killed his girlfriend on prom night.
no.
here's what you do. admit to the skinny dipping. on the off chance that someone catches that damn catfish and cuts it open, and your naked girlfriend comes spilling out, you don't want everyone to be surprised by her lack of attire. then say that as you and she were about to consummate your wonderful love for each other when she had an epiphany; suddenly she began to glow with radiance and she said that she wanted to find the Holy Chalice of the Lord, so she jumped off the boat in the buff and swam for shore. you tried to pursue her, but you lost her in the dark waters. you think she was headed for France.
this is more believable. you will probably only do 7 years in the Pen if you tell a good lie like this one.
another option is to take your friends skinny dipping with you. it will get a titch uncomfortable when you catch Jon, your date's best-friend's boyfriend oogling your boy bits more than twice, then quickly looking away, but at least you'll have witnesses when the love of your semester is gobbled up by the fresh-water Kraken.
on the off chance that all three of your friends are gobbled up... well that's God telling you that he wants you to start a prison ministry from the inside.
***
Giant fish. I mean, holy crap. I can't get over it. I had finally come to terms with sharks in the ocean, alligators in Florida and Chthulu in my neighbor's swimming pool. Now I have to worry about 600 pound fish in the innocent rivers and ponds of America? That's old world shit. Maybe there's more magic in the world than I thought. I may want to reconsider that Bel and the Dragon story.
Friday, May 09, 2008
300
Sorry folks. If you Goggled 300 and selected this link, hoping to find wicked pictures of movie-star men with ripped up abs on a website that your government IT department won't block, I almost sincerely apologize. There are no hot men here.
This is my 300th post! Yay for me. And yay for all of those people out there who read this blog. Thanks you three for reading.
Maybe someday science will discover that reading my blog is a cure for syphilis. I don't know if it is, but that would be cool if it was. Because anitbiotics are growing less and less effective. And artifical boobs are growing more and more convincing. Cataclism looms.
And this blog will be here to offer healing. Or at the very least nothing.
This is my 300th post! Yay for me. And yay for all of those people out there who read this blog. Thanks you three for reading.
Maybe someday science will discover that reading my blog is a cure for syphilis. I don't know if it is, but that would be cool if it was. Because anitbiotics are growing less and less effective. And artifical boobs are growing more and more convincing. Cataclism looms.
And this blog will be here to offer healing. Or at the very least nothing.
Turner don't want me for a sunbeam.
Well shit.
Turner Broadcasting has this pretty cool training program (T3) where you get to work in one of their divisions (Turner Classic Movies, TNT, Cartoon Network, etc) getting paid, making networking contacts and getting some really good experience in that industry. The downside is the training program only lasts 11 months and there is no guarantee of a job afterwards.
Anyway, I saw that one of the training positions they were hiring for was a writer. I talked it over with the wife and we agreed that the benefits outweighed the risk. I am miserably tired of my current job and I figured if I busted my ass in those 11 months of training I could prove myself worthy of keeping.
So I made a project. In addition to your application Turner Broadcasting wanted a project that showed your abilities in the area for which you were applying. I was applying for a writing position, so I submitted a bunch of writing. I thought the writing was pretty darn funny and clever. It doesn't appear that anyone at Turner agreed.
That sorta blows a lot. I'll try again next year. I already have an idea for what I will do.
sigh
Sorry this isn't a funny post. Normally it's pretty funny when someone puts a lot of effort and hope into a thing and that thing is unceremoniously dismissed. Even the thought kinda makes you chuckle. I'm feeling better already.
Actually, no, I'm not.
Oh well, life goes on.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
Nothing ventured nothing gained.
It's better to have loved an lost than to never have loved at all.
A turd in the hand is better than two up the bushel.
Don't smile or they'll think you farted.
He who laughs last laughs last.
The morning I was born it was afternoon.
Frog legs taste like chicken.
When I was a child I had a fever. My hands swelled just like two balloons.
We have nothing to fear but fear and gravy.
Wear a wig.
If it's windy wear a jacket.
If it's slutty wear a raincoat.
Live life to the fullest.
See Ruby Falls.
Topless Girls Next Exit.
This might sting a little.
If it tastes good it's bad for you.
I'm sorry, that's not my department.
Seriously, you have the wrong number.
Practice, practice, practice.
Location, location, location.
Have you heard the word about the bird?
Don't scratch it or it'll spread.
Stop touching yourself. We're in public.
TGIF
TGIORPBZMFDFOOOPRETTBLRTS
Close your eyes or you'll see the truth.
Get back to work.
Et cetera.
Ok, now I feel better.
Turner Broadcasting has this pretty cool training program (T3) where you get to work in one of their divisions (Turner Classic Movies, TNT, Cartoon Network, etc) getting paid, making networking contacts and getting some really good experience in that industry. The downside is the training program only lasts 11 months and there is no guarantee of a job afterwards.
Anyway, I saw that one of the training positions they were hiring for was a writer. I talked it over with the wife and we agreed that the benefits outweighed the risk. I am miserably tired of my current job and I figured if I busted my ass in those 11 months of training I could prove myself worthy of keeping.
So I made a project. In addition to your application Turner Broadcasting wanted a project that showed your abilities in the area for which you were applying. I was applying for a writing position, so I submitted a bunch of writing. I thought the writing was pretty darn funny and clever. It doesn't appear that anyone at Turner agreed.
That sorta blows a lot. I'll try again next year. I already have an idea for what I will do.
sigh
Sorry this isn't a funny post. Normally it's pretty funny when someone puts a lot of effort and hope into a thing and that thing is unceremoniously dismissed. Even the thought kinda makes you chuckle. I'm feeling better already.
Actually, no, I'm not.
Oh well, life goes on.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
Nothing ventured nothing gained.
It's better to have loved an lost than to never have loved at all.
A turd in the hand is better than two up the bushel.
Don't smile or they'll think you farted.
He who laughs last laughs last.
The morning I was born it was afternoon.
Frog legs taste like chicken.
When I was a child I had a fever. My hands swelled just like two balloons.
We have nothing to fear but fear and gravy.
Wear a wig.
If it's windy wear a jacket.
If it's slutty wear a raincoat.
Live life to the fullest.
See Ruby Falls.
Topless Girls Next Exit.
This might sting a little.
If it tastes good it's bad for you.
I'm sorry, that's not my department.
Seriously, you have the wrong number.
Practice, practice, practice.
Location, location, location.
Have you heard the word about the bird?
Don't scratch it or it'll spread.
Stop touching yourself. We're in public.
TGIF
TGIORPBZMFDFOOOPRETTBLRTS
Close your eyes or you'll see the truth.
Get back to work.
Et cetera.
Ok, now I feel better.
Friday, May 02, 2008
Something funny.
Hmmm. Something funny, something funny. I got nothin.
I just got complained at via e-mail that I hadn't posted anything this week. But nothing really happened to me this week, so I don't know what to write.
Did I tell you guys that I got my glasses? I think I did. Besides, that was last week.
Well, did I tell you that this week I lost them? Yeah, that kinda sucked. I thought I left them at choir practice. I had them at choir Wednesday night and I thought I had them when I brought the kids home, but Thursday morning I couldn't find them.
I checked all of the places I usually set my stuff. I found my wallet, my phone, my keys, my MP3 player... but no glasses. Then I went and checked the car. No glasses. So I went back to my room and threw around some dirty clothes to see what they were hiding. Nothing serious. A goblin and a couple of quarters. No glasses. I cussed a bunch so that Rebecca would say, "What's wrong?" She did and I told her I thought I had left my glasses at choir. I expected her to say how she had told me I would lose them, because she totally did tell me that. But she didn't. She asked if I had looked in all the places I had looked. I said yes. She asked if I had looked in the car. Then I got all huffy as if it was somehow her fault that I was an idiot. So I skulked off to check the car again. No glasses a second time.
Finally I went inside and resigned myself to the fact that I must have left them at church. I was pretty angry with myself. At the carpoole lot I checked my car one more time, as if by some special magic my glasses would appear. No glasses. At work I e-mailed the choir and asked if anyone had seen them. Then I called the director and she said she hadn't seen them. Then I went home all in a huff, because those suckers were expensive. I got in my car, then went and got the kids. When we got home I got the kids out of the car and I found my glasses. They were right in the front seat. Right in plain sight.
Anyway, I grounded my children for a week for being a magical convergence where material things can disappear and reappear. Kinda like the Bermuda Triangle. Except they would be more like a biangle. They claimed that they weren't such a thing and I said, "You wanna make it two weeks?"
I just got complained at via e-mail that I hadn't posted anything this week. But nothing really happened to me this week, so I don't know what to write.
Did I tell you guys that I got my glasses? I think I did. Besides, that was last week.
Well, did I tell you that this week I lost them? Yeah, that kinda sucked. I thought I left them at choir practice. I had them at choir Wednesday night and I thought I had them when I brought the kids home, but Thursday morning I couldn't find them.
I checked all of the places I usually set my stuff. I found my wallet, my phone, my keys, my MP3 player... but no glasses. Then I went and checked the car. No glasses. So I went back to my room and threw around some dirty clothes to see what they were hiding. Nothing serious. A goblin and a couple of quarters. No glasses. I cussed a bunch so that Rebecca would say, "What's wrong?" She did and I told her I thought I had left my glasses at choir. I expected her to say how she had told me I would lose them, because she totally did tell me that. But she didn't. She asked if I had looked in all the places I had looked. I said yes. She asked if I had looked in the car. Then I got all huffy as if it was somehow her fault that I was an idiot. So I skulked off to check the car again. No glasses a second time.
Finally I went inside and resigned myself to the fact that I must have left them at church. I was pretty angry with myself. At the carpoole lot I checked my car one more time, as if by some special magic my glasses would appear. No glasses. At work I e-mailed the choir and asked if anyone had seen them. Then I called the director and she said she hadn't seen them. Then I went home all in a huff, because those suckers were expensive. I got in my car, then went and got the kids. When we got home I got the kids out of the car and I found my glasses. They were right in the front seat. Right in plain sight.
Anyway, I grounded my children for a week for being a magical convergence where material things can disappear and reappear. Kinda like the Bermuda Triangle. Except they would be more like a biangle. They claimed that they weren't such a thing and I said, "You wanna make it two weeks?"
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