Letter 21

So I'm sorry about that ad. It was lame. The next ad I liked a lot, though it was significantly smaller. Incidentally, I have no idea where I-95 is, or if it exists.

LETTER 21:

Dear [adult swim],

So I went to the dentist today. Not much to report except that my dentist is a babe. By that I mean that she is an intelligent and successful woman, who also happens to be attractive. Anyway, this babe had her hands in my mouth for half an hour. It's not the traditional beginning of a romance, but traditional romance blows.

When she sat down next to me she recognized me immediately. I thought she must have recognized me from my illustrious singing career, which happens quite a bit, but it turns out we went to high school together.

Anyway, while she was elbow deep in my mouth she commendted on what a good brusher I am. She said it shows that I know what I'm doing. "Not too hard, not too soft," she said. It was clear that she wanted me. Then, just as I thought she was about to kiss me, she said, "Still, you have nine cavities."

"Aaaaahaah?" I asked as she was waist deep in my mouth, slamming one of my wisdom teeth with a twelve pound maul.
"What?" she asked, pulling out of me.
"Nine?" I asked again.
"Well, yes," she said. "Only two of them need filling, and I'd like to take out that wisdom tooth, but yeah, nine. The other six just need to be watched. And you could stand to floss more."
"But I thought you said I was a good brusher," I said. "I thought we had something."

She laughed so I laughed too. It was clear to me that she was disturbed. Who gets nine cavities? She must have been a compulsive liar. Except when she said she wanted me.

It woudn't have worked between us anyway, what with me being married. She was just your typical dentist home-wrecker. I should have spotted it the moment I saw her.

signed

Ps. I can't wait to have my cavities filled.


Ad:
Come See Cigarettatopia
Where everyone smokes.
Just take I-95 until it hurts.

Letter 20

I was going to explain this letter to you, but then I thought better of it. I didn't explain it to [adult swim], so why should you guys get any special favors.

I will, however, apologize for the ad. It is pretty lame.

LETTER 20:

Dear [adult swim],

I know that I should never succumb to the evil lure of advertisers and their blood money, but these people were paying so much. I am ashamed. But, I am ashamed with a pocket full of money. So today's letter is pretty much all advertisement. Enjoy, and buy their product.

signed

Ad:

Folks, we all know the truth. We're all honest, grown up adults here. And we like to pick our noses. Yes we do! We enjoy the feeling, no, the pleasure of accomplishment when we dig a good, mostly solid booger from the cavernous depths of our nasal passages. But how many of us are blessed with chronic sinusitis? Very few. The tragedy is most of us have to wait weeks in between each discovery of gold.

Well not now!

We at Acme Bodily Functions have invented the wave of the future. We call it, the Goober Dam Pill. Take this pill and within three hours your nose will begin to fill with the most pickable boogers you ever tasted. Easy to roll and easy to flick. Not too sloppy, and they won't stick to your finger forever. You'll get great distance with these Acme boogers, and the fun doesn't stop for twelve hours. Yes, that's right, twelve hours of a glacial like snot slide, seeping forth from your nose. You'd better pick 'em or it's "Jeronimo Booger!" and who knows where they'll turn up? It's hours of fun for everyone.

Act now and we'll throw in the bottle of fake boogers. You can roll and flick while you wait for the Goober Dam Pill to take effect. A $50.00 value, yours for free.

Just call 1-800-BLOODYFINGER for your order today.

Do not take the Goober Dam Pill while on antihistamines or any kinds of allergy medication. The Goober Dam Pill is a congestant. Do not take this pill with cold or flu symptoms. Do not take this pill if there is any change you might fall asleep within 12 hours. The Goober Dam Pill causes drowsiness. Goober Dam Pill may cause brain swelling and hair loss. Not recommended for anyone.

The Goober Dam Pill
From the makers of the
Mega Dump Laxative

Ads

I did not originally intend to put ads at the bottom of the letters. It was an idea that came to me when I ran out of clip art. I thought the ads would be a great filler.

I hope you liked the first ad for Ten Commandments Cola. It is actually an ad for a fake product I created a little while back. All the press the Ten Commandments were getting inspired me to write this ad.

AD:

Ten Commandments Cola.

Scene: Two High School/Early College age girls are walking down the sidewalk in opposite directions. One is dressed fairly conservatively and the other is dressed all in black with piercings, spiked hair and tattoos. As they approach they eye each other as if the other were totally ridiculous. Then a man jumps out from the bushes.

Man: Hey ladies! Have you tried new Ten Commandments Cola?

Conservative Girl (CG): Ten Commandments Cola?

Punk Girl (PG): Are you kidding me?

Man: Absolutely not, Mrs. Brewster. Here. (he hands both girls a can) Ten Commandments Cola is a refreshing beverage that packs a punch of biblical proportions.

Conservative Girl takes a sip and looks pleased. Then she takes a long swallow.

CG: Wow! That's great. It's like a cool blast of refreshing forgiveness in my mouth. Now I don't feel so bad about last night.

Punk Girl looks over with questioning disbelief. When the other two look at her she reluctantly takes a swig. Then she takes a long drink.

PG: Hey, this is really good. But it isn't refreshing. It's like spicey punishment all the way down to my soul.

CG: It tastes like golden apples.

PG: No, it tastes like spicey candy.

CG: It tastes like goodness.

PG: It tastes like sin!

Man: Ladies, ladies. It tastes like Ten Commandments Cola, the beverage of good judgement. And have you ladies seen our clothes product line?

CG: Shu! I have Ten Commandments shoes and socks. I walk on the right path.

PG: I have Ten Commandments hair gel in my hair to hold it in place and never let it act on it's own.

CG: I have Ten Commandments sunglasses and the new Ten Commandments CD by the Ten Commandments. My favorite song is Thou Shalt Have No Other Products Before Me.

PG: Well, I had Ten Commandments cereal for breakfast, and I have SINNER tattooed on my ass.

Man: That's right. The Ten Commandments product line is vast and for all personalities. Everyone can enjoy a healthy dose of repression in every aspect of their lives. So try the new Ten Commandments Cola.

Man holds soda can sideways for the camera. In the background the punk girl takes another long swig of the cola and burst into flames.