Informal little cuss.

You may have noticed that this is not your typical letter seeking a job. I was very informal. I spoke about personal issues, I made a veiled referrence to the employees of Adult Swim as losers, and I cussed. On top of that I gave no contact information, save my name.

I want you to know that I am not so thick as to think this would work in a normal business situation. But Adult Swim is not a normal business, and writing is not a normal industry. Normal won't work here. I am taking drastic measures.

I am attempting to land a job as a writer, so it just won't do to send some lame-ass letter rattling off all of the ways I feel I am qualified for the job. I have to write. But there is no way in the firey furnace of Hades that I'm going to get anyone to sit down and read page after page of written material, full of plot, character developement, alliteration, metaphore, semaphore, and whatever other literary bullshit devices you can think of. It won't happen.

Part of the plan is to send a single page of fresh material each day. Each letter is short and self contained, so if someone new opened Letter 4 they would be able to appreciate it for what it was; a short bit of writing. And hopefully, day after day they will begin to look forward to the letters, and by the time I send my portfolio they will be familiar with my writing and thus they will be more than willing to peruse the material.

This is why I did not give contact information. I know full well more letters will be coming. This is why I was so informal. The letter isn't really to pursuade them for a job, but to show them my skills in the hopes that they will be persuaded. Further, I am hoping that the reader of the letter will find it so abnormal, so atypical that they will be intrigued. I am hoping that after a few days they will anticipate the next letter; they will want it. That would be the ultimate success.

Incidentally, I didn't say the employees at Adult Swim were losers. My wife did.

Letter 1.

So, the moment you have all been waiting for. The first letter. In truth this letter went out several days ago. Today I am on letter six. But I don't want to post the letters before they have had a chance to arrive so I think I will keep this week buffer.

Please feel free to comment on any aspect of these letters you would like. If you feel like they suck, say so.
LETTER 1.

Dear [adult swim],

You guys need me to write for you. All (most) of your shows are very funny, but they could still use a little bettering. I'm some funny, and some hip. I know who Lionel Richie is.

I don't know what show you need me to write for. I only know that it will pay really well and provide benefits. I got kids and a wife with a boyfriend. He has "needs" my current job doesn't "satisfy."

So my wife says, "You should work for Adult Swim."
And I say, "I wish."
And she says, "You're hilarious, and a great writer."
And I say, "They're not going to hire a loser like me."
And she says, "Have you seen their website?"

So before H5N1 claims my life, and perhaps everyone else's, let me leave behind something meaningful; something deep and everlasting like a cartoon. It ain't "I Had a Dream," but shit, this is cable.

signed

Ps. I did have a dream once, but it wasn't very good. I was Harry Potter, and I was naked. I hope that doesn't count against me.

The plan.

In case you haven't already guessed, I did not just decide to look for a job at Cartoon Network's Adult Swim last night. It has been a dream of mine for a couple of years, but I have supressed it the way I supressed any thought of being a writer. I didn't think it was possible, so I didn't pursue it. I didn't want to try and fail. Well, at this point in my life I'm not so concerned about failing. It couldn't be as bad as sitting on my ass hating my job.

So my current job is with the Georgia Department of Labor. For six years it was my duty to help people find work. It isn't now, but it was. My point is I understand how to find a job. I understand where to look, what tactics work and what tactics don't. The Adult Swim website says that if you are interested in a job with them you should check the Time Warner website. This tactic won't work.

This is not just a guess. I am pretty certain that it won't work. One of my reasons for this certainty is that I have tried the Time Warner website with no success. On a very rare occassion a job will be posted that looks remotely like it might have come from Adult Swim. On several of those occassions I put in my resume and guess what happened: nothing.

I am not saying the Time Warner website won't work for everyone. I'm sure it has a typical website success rate. But it hasn't worked for me. One of the reasons for this is that I don't have any on the job experience in writing. Now you are thinking, "Shit, man, why didn't you tell us this before?" And I respond, "Because."

I know I can do this job, I just have to be given the opportunity to prove myself. And as long as I submit resumes with no practical experience on them, I will get no response. Agreed? That is where the plan comes in.

Another reason the Time Warner website is not likely to work is that employers don't want to hire this way. They don't. They like to have such websites so they can tell people, "Go to our website," and thereby get you off their back. But they way they prefer to hire, in my experience, is to hire people they know. Barring that they hire people their friends and aquaintences know. Barring that they hire people they have heard of, and lastly they hire people they don't know. You would too. The Plan also covers this.

THE PLAN:

I have decided that every day, for a predetermined period of time, I am going to send a one page letter to Adult Swim. It is sort of like a courtship letter. In this letter I will attempt to be funny, and perhaps charming, and to convince the reader of the letter, day by day, to consider me for a job.

In an interview, one of the best tactics to use is to speak of yourself as though you are actually in the job. You say things like, "When I'm working here," instead of, "If I get a chance to work here." You say things like, "In this job I will," instead of, "When I worked a similar job..." The reason for this is it puts the image of you doing the job in the mind of the interviewer. The more they visualize you doing the job, the more they believe you can do the job. It is a very effective interviewing strategy. By sending these letters I'm hoping the reader will begin to visualize me as a writer.

I am also hoping to develop a kind a rapport with the reader. I am no fool. I know that this will be a completely one sided correspondence, but I still believe, if I am genuine, I can get bring them to a feeling of "knowing" me. And it doesn't really matter if they know me from Adam. If they "feel" like they know me, and they "feel" like I can write, well that's just as good.

At the end of the predetermined allotment of time I will send my portfolio. My portfolio is a rather large sampling of some of my best short stories and poems. My hope is that this tactic inspires the reader to accept and view my portfolio, and that said portfolio will solicit an interview. If I can get an interview I will consider this plan a success.

The danger with this plan is in getting them to bother opening the letters. If the letters are cast aside unread the Plan will fail. I will not stop trying, I will just have to think of another plan.

Focus...What KIND of writer?

One of my biggest obstacles to getting a job in the artistic field is focus. You see, I have very little. I can't even guarantee that this blog will make it past week two. I hope it will, but my history speaks for itself. I am very easily distracted.

I even have a problem focusing on one artistic outlet. I sing, I draw, and I write. But even within my writing I have a problem focusing. I am in the middle of two books. I have 2 chapters for one book, and about 9 chapters for another book. I have about 40 short stories written and over 50 poems. I have untold numbers of stream of consciousness writings and about 100 songs. I've written skits, I've started a play, and I have even written a couple of commercials for products that don't exist. However, though my writing formats vary from one writing session to the next, there is almost always one common connector; my writing is humorous.

So where can a person who has trouble focusing for large projects go to write humorous stories? Easy, cartoons. That may seem odd to most; who would want to work in cartoons? Well, me. I love to watch cartoons. I always have. I love to draw, and I love music. It would seem that I am suited for the medium. I don't want to limit myself to cartoons, but it is a place to start.

It is always best, when looking for a new job, to look first in the area where you live. I live in Georgia. Disney is in Florida and California. Nichelodeon is... I don't know where the hell it is. And Cartoon Network is in California. But wait... not all of Cartoon Network is in California. Adult Swim, the after prime-time programming of Cartoon Network is coordinated right in Atlanta, Georgia. This is where I have decided to begin my search.

It begins... again.

I have always written stories. From the time I half-accidentally spilled a gallon of milk on the kitchen floor, I have told stories. Writing them down was so much easier. It is something I enjoy, and I'm kinda good at it.

But that's not all I do. I'm blowing my own horn here, but just pretend it's all true and that I'm a genius. I also write, sing and record music, draw, and paint.

Though I indulge in these artistic endeavors, I have never held a job of an artistic nature. Quite the opposite, I work for the state government. My job is very important to a lot of people, and I couldn't like it less.

So, recently I turned an age that I was not happy turning, and I realized that the more birthdays I let slip by without acting on my dreams, the less and less likely it becomes that I will ever amount to anything. And I want to amount to something.

This blog is an attempt to record my efforts at landing a job as a writer. From time to time I may throw in a word or two, here and there, about my music or my drawing. Mostly I will discuss my efforts to become a writer.