Letter 23

Dear [adult swim],

Cowboy hats as an accessory have really gotten a bad rap. They really are quite attractive, but tragically often misworn. A cowboy hat should never, ever be worn with jeans. It's been overdone. And they shouldn't be worn with cowboy boots, which incidentally should not be worn at all unless you are riding a cow.

A cowboy hat should only be worn by men wearing shorts or by topless women. Topless women can really wear anything on their heads, men don't care, that's not where we're looking.

Let me take a moment to clarify, topless HOT women can wear whatever they like on their heads. Topless ugly women should probably stick to the traditional rules of coiffure accouterment.

That is not to say that men will not look at a topless ugly woman. Au contraire, we will ogle until we embarrass the woman and ourselves. It is how we are wired. That said, a topless ugly woman in a cowboy hat is not doing herself any favors. As soon as the novelty of her nudity wears thin the discerning man will count her down for her stupid cowboy head. Then he will return to looking at her ugly boobs. Don't judge.

I suggest a baseball cap. It's cute and ever-so-slightly homo-erotic. When a man sees an ugly woman in a baseball cap it's almost like he's looking at his friend, but with boobs. It's as though it is suddenly ok for him to fool around with his softball teammates. All those years of repression can take a temporary trip to the surface. Her stubble will become his stumbling block.

That's not me, though. I'm totally into women.

In summary, if you are a hot chick then you should definitely be wearing a cowboy hat. And if you are wearing a cowboy hat then you should definitely be topless. I expect to see a lot more topless women in the future.

signed


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