:(

Oh well, Fantasy and Science Fiction Magazine turned down my story. I kind of expected this. The Computer Man, though a good idea, was not a strongly executed effort. I was trying to emulate the lack of emotion that a robot might have, but I think all I succeeded in doing was making the story boring.

Anyway, I am undaunted. I knew that I would get rejections, and I was expecting it from this story.

Still kinda stings though.


Resumes Sent: 4
Stories Sent: 2
My suckitude: 3

Faces

Last night I woke up and I heard the left side of my face bragging to the right side of my face that he was easier to shave and he got fewer cuts. I was a little shocked at first because I didn't realize that it was a source of pride or shame for a face side. But then I got really freaked out when I heard both sides talking at the same time. Up until that point I had assumed they were taking turns using my mouth to talk to each other.

Later, after the left side had fallen asleep, I heard the right side quietly crying. He was mumbling to himself and I swear I heard him say that he 'wasn't going to take it anymore,' and that maybe he'd 'just go where he's wanted.'

If I wake up and half my face is gone... I just don't know.



Resumes Sent: 4
Stories Sent: 2
-This week I sent The Tree of Men to Realms of Fantasy.
My suckitude: 3

what? and Review

Ok, when I want the definition of a word I go to Dictionary.com. I love that site. But today I was not so impressed. I wanted to find a synonym for awesome. This was the synonym they gave:

Main Entry: awesome
Part of Speech: adjective
Definition: amazing
Synonyms: alarming, astonishing, awe-inspiring, awful, beautiful, breathtaking, daunting, dreadful, exalted, fearful, fearsome, formidable, frantic, frightening, grand, hairy*, horrible, horrifying, imposing, impressive, intimidating, magnificent, majestic, mean, mind-blowing*, moving, nervous, overwhelming, real gone, shocking, something else, striking, stunning, stupefying, terrible, terrifying, wonderful, wondrous, zero cool
Antonyms: unamazing


REVIEW:
Dictionary.com's Thesaurus entry for Awesome:
un-real gone, not hairy

Ok, most of those synonyms are decent. And I have to admit, hairy and real gone are bizarre in the extreme, which I like. But what of "zero cool." Isn't awesome supposed to be cool? Maybe I'm confused. And look at those antonyms; or should I say antonym... I mean, really? Unamazing? You might as well have put Unawesome as the antonym.

Could Dictionary.com, the preliminary dictionary on the Internet, really not think of a better antonym for Awesome? How about bad, horrible, bogus, tragic, bald, awful -wait, that was a synonym- weak, sad, boring, pathetic. Or what about shitty?

Dear Dictionary.com,

Your Thesaurus entry for Awesome was un-not-shitty.



Resumes Sent: 4
Stories Sent: 1
My suckitude: 6

Write and Listen

You know read a lot of blogs. Everyone seems to write and listen to music at the same time. They say, "Currently Listening To: Somethingwonderfulhip."

Am I the only one who is actually thinking about what I'm writing?

I guess I cannot multi-task on a subconscious level, but I cannot write and listen to music at the same time. Currently I am listening to music, but I couldn't tell you what it is because I am not really listening. I'm only hearing it. It might be good. I wouldn't know.

When I listen to music I want to LISTEN to it. Even wordless music can be extremely distracting if I am trying to write.

I think I just suck.


Resumes Sent: 4
Stories Sent: 1
My suckitude: 5 (holding - but maybe starting to decline. My current "short" story is gaining weight and I cannot stop it. If it gets much longer it will reach critical mass and then we may all be in trouble.)

Currently listening to: My cat snoring in the floor next to me.

Soup

Man this soup tastes horrible. It seems like some of these veggies are old and dessicated. But they're floating in soup!

I looked at the bottom of the can to see if it was expired. It read 07-June-07. Rebecca, my wife, told me that means the seventh of June on the seventh, and that the year 2009 was implied. I asked if she was sure the second 07 didn't mean 2007, and was she sure this soup wasn't hella-old. She said she was absolutely certain. Then she rubbed her hands together and laughed maniacally. But still I'm not sure. I think the soup is old. I don't think I can eat much more.


Resumes Sent: 4
Stories Sent: 1
My suckitude: 5 (holding - but really, I've been working on the stories. I'll have another mailed out next week at the latest. And I have three that I'm polishing right now. And by polishing I mean beginning.)

Sometimes

When I'm feeling super cool and all my jokes are perfect I sometimes wonder if everyone can tell that I'm wearing my Ant Man underwear and my Aqua Teen T-shirt. And do they understand that I don't need these material things to kick total ass?


sort of off the subject:
under duress from the Mrs. I will concede that me peeing on the floor is not the same as the dogs peeing on the floor.




Resumes Sent: 4
Stories Sent: 1
My suckitude: 5 (holding)

conversation

Don't you love conversations that go like this:

Friend: Hey, Michael, let's get together Saturday evening for dinner.

Me: Ok. Where do you want to eat?

Friend: I don't want to decide. You pick the place.

Me: Alright. How about Restaurant X.

Friend: Ok. Instead let's go to Restaurant Y right next to X.

Me: Fine.


Resumes Sent: 4
Stories Sent: 1
My suckitude: 5 (holding)

Review: Stupid Science

Ok, what I am reviewing today is not Science with a derogatory adjective placed in front of it. It is science that has been rendered stupid by scientists being stupid and therefore is STUPID SCIENCE.

REVIEW:
Stupid Science;
Notably this article:
"Finger length may predict financial success"
--Horse Shit.

yeah, I said it. horse shit. how do I know? well, let's just say I know. this wonderful article is about a "study" done by "researchers" at Cambridge in England. apparently this study postulated that men with ring fingers longer than their index finger tended to be better with money.

now lets apply this theory to reality. I have a ring finger longer than my index finger. what does that mean? it means don't send your kids to Cambridge in England.


Resumes Sent: 4
Stories Sent: 1
My suckitude: 5 (leveling off)

Being followed

I think this earring is following me.

I saw it in the parking lot on Thursday of last week. Then I saw it at the bus stop this morning. And, as you can tell from the picture, it has followed me to my job.

I know you think that it's probably just different earrings, and that I can't tell one from another, but it's the same earring. It's following me.

Around 4 o'clock today a guy from another suite came in with the earring in hand and asked the ladies of the office if it was theirs. They said no.

I think the earring may have limited power over the psyches of weaker willed people. On his way out the gentleman dropped the earring and proceeded out the door as if nothing had happened. Then one of the ladies in the office stopped him and pointed out that he had dropped it. So he stopped and picked it back up and then proceeded to ask if it belonged to anyone in the room. He said he was going to take it to the security guard's desk, but I suspect he probably dropped it as soon as he got out of our room. I fully expect to be confronted by the earring in the stairwell on my way home.

I have my finger nail file for protection.


Resumes Sent: 4
Stories Sent: 1
My suckitude: 5 (declining)

Review of a Review of my Review

REVIEW:
A Review of my Review

before I actually give my review I feel that it is appropriate to show you, the reader, the review of my review.

but before I let you see this review, because it is inflammatory and prejudicial, I feel I must give you some background on what I was reviewing that sparked this review of my review, and subsequently my review of the review of my review.

I was reviewing Strawberry Milk and I said, "strawberry milk is the awesomest." I further went on to say that when you put way too much strawberry powder in the milk it makes the beverage "super-better."

I know what you are thinking, reader. What could a reviewer have possibly said of this beautiful review except to point out that it is in fact beautiful. Well written doesn't cover it. Reading my review of Strawberry milk makes flowers grow. It reduces CO2 gas. In fact, it has not been tested, but I believe that reading this wonderful review will make you more attractive.

Did my reviewer confirm these irrefutable facts? No. She wrote this:

Newsflash: STRAWBERRY MILK IS TEH SUCK!

And this brings us to my REVIEW:
The Review of My Review

not everybody is smart.


Yes, my loyal readers, I could have expounded on the virtues of the delicious Strawberry Milk. I could have mentioned the river of Strawberry Milk that flows through Heaven and nourishes the angels of the Lord's choir. I could have mentioned that the flavor of Strawberry Milk is so wonderific that a millennium ago, when gnomes first tasted it, they began to extract the delicious strawberry flavor from Strawberry Milk so they could inject it into a hitherto bland and useless fruit called the Gross. Now it is called the Strawberry. Or I could have mentioned how the United States won World War II by manufacturing 3 super soldiers whose only nourishment was Strawberry Milk that had been fortified by more Strawberry Milk. These men were so powerful they actually killed every male in Germany. But they were so virile they corrected their mistake by impregnating all the German women. Now they play tennis on the moon while holding the breath they took when they jump up there 60 years ago. But these are Truths undeniable.

My reviewer did not concern herself with Truth. She wrote her review based on Opinion, which is ok, I guess, except it was not even her own opinion because NOBODY thinks that Strawberry Milk is not beyond-words-amazing. She took a position that not even the devil himself would take. And where is the point in that?

What she did is like having some super wonderful guy say, "Wow, that's a nice blouse you have on." And then picking up the nearest dog turd* and rubbing on your blouse just so you can say, "Nuh uh!" And that, my friends, is not smart.

*scientifically speaking the nearest dog turd is never more than 15 feet away from you - unless you've recently had a glass of Strawberry Milk, in which case there will be no fecal matter within 50 yards of you (actual results may vary)


Resumes Sent: 0
Stories Sent: 1
-This week I sent The Computer Man to Fantasy and Science Fiction Magazine
My suckitude: 6

Review: Strawberry Milk

REVIEW:
Strawberry Milk:
Y for Yummy!

strawberry milk is the awesomest. Of course, I put way too much strawberry mix in it so it was kind of crunchy, but that made it super-better.

I'm currently up late attempting to finish some stories that I am supposed to be working on so that I can submit them to some magazines tomorrow. I really want to have some resumes sent and at least 1 story sent tomorrow. Really, really.


Resumes Sent: 0
Stories Sent: 0
My suckitude (scale of 1 to 10): 8

Advice: Holiday Beverages

Do not bring the eggnog to a boil.

Who is the loser that decided that eggnog is only for the holidays? Because I didn't get any during the holidays and now I have a mad craving for it. But guess what? The stores have quit selling it.

So I looked up a recipe for the wonderful liquid ambrosia. It seemed pretty simple. Even a fool like me can make it.

I followed the recipe perfectly. I whisked the egg yolks until they were thick and light. I mixed in the sugar until it was fully dissolved. It looked so yummy that I almost drank that.

Then I brought the milk and the heavy cream to a boil in a separate sauce pan. And I stirred it slowly into the egg yolks. And, oh my God, it smelled soooooooo good.

But the next step is to bring the whole mixture to 160 degrees. Well, I don't have a cooking thermometer. So I figured I use my wonderful cooking instincts.

OK, let me explain something to you novice cookers our there; those of you who are too green to have learned this yet. See, when you cook milk over the stove there is a warp in the space time continuum. Milk will cook for ten minutes at 150 degrees, never changing and then suddenly burst into a raging boil. But just before it boils, for about the same amount of time as a drangonfly blinking, your concoction reaches 160 degrees; the perfect temperature.

IF your cooked beverage does boil then what you get is not Eggnog. It is Eggnog cheese. Only it doesn't taste at all like cheese or eggnog or a even a mixture of eggnog and cheese. It tastes like the gastric prediction of vomit.

Whoo Hooo!

Happy New Year!

I'm only 4 days late. But that's ok because 2009 is going to be SOOOO MUCH BETTER!

2008 kinda sucked for me on several levels, but I think 2009 is going to be super rockin.

Resolutions:

For one thing, I'm going to post a lot more. I have a goal of 200 posts.

Secondly, I'm going to get a new job! I have totally checked out on my old job. I hate it. In fact, right now I'm sitting in my house with a "stomach virus." I just couldn't bring myself to go to that damn job. I've been promoted to a position that totally blows and really doesn't pay much more than the old position that was much easier and I also hated. I have my resume ready and I'm going to send it out to 100 different companies, minimum. I'll keep you posted on that number.

Current Resumes Sent: 0

But don't think I've given up on being a writer! That is a dream I'll never release. Which brings me to my third resolution:

I'm going to get a short story published. I have 3 stories written and two more that need some finishing. My goal for this year is to send out at least 5 short stories to at least 20 different publications for consideration. I'll keep you posted on that number as well.

Current Stories Sent: 0

Ok, it's a slow start, but the year is only 5 days old. I have completed my resume and completed 3 of 5 of the stories I will send. I think it's an excellent start. And who knows, maybe I'll lose some weight too.

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2009!