money

Ok, most of you people probably already know that I'm not a big cussworder. I don't think I've ever cussed on this blog. You all probably also know that I'm not a great big liar-pants.

Anyway, today I feel justified in saying wtf?

1. About ten months ago I was promoted by my then boss to Ruby's position. When I inquired as to what my new duties were I was told that I didn't have any. I was told that I was too busy and that Ruby's job was going to be handled by someone else in the office.

2. About eight months ago my boss decided he was going to resign and come back to work as a contractor. And the job he was going to do as a contractor was my job.

3. After the meeting -that all of my co-workers attended- where I was told my job was going to be done by my recently formered boss I was called into my once-but-no-longer boss's office so that he could tell me that my new job was Ruby's old job; the one I had been told I would not have to do.

4. After I was given Ruby's shit job my once-upon-a-boss ask me exactly what I do. He was, after all, going to be doing it hence.

5. After my ex-boss regained his composure at learning exactly how much crap he had piled on to me over the years he decided that he was really only going to take one of my duties and that I could keep the rest. Along with Ruby's old job.

6. About six months ago, after my post-boss told me that I would still be doing all of my old duties along with all of Ruby's duties, my new boss informed me that I would also be doing Janet's duties.

7. About two months ago my new boss hired a new supervisor over me and two new co-workers to handle the overflow of work I had been given. To date they have taken one and a half of my duties.

8. Last night I kinda got in trouble for running over a toad in my driveway. I didn't do it on purpose, but my wife really loves when we come home and she sees it there. She's kinda into frogs and toads. It isn't job related, but I felt bad.

TODAY: My new boss, new supervisor and two new co-workers are meeting in the conference room for like the tenth time without me. What the hell are they talking about? They are f-ing supposed to be taking my f-ing duties? How the f- can I not be invited to any f-ing meeting they can possibly f-ing conceive of? WTF!

CURRENT MOOD: Not too confident about the security of my job... in a recession... with gas at $3.72/gallon.

New Word

*cussworder - one who cusses

org. cussworder is an Americanization of the British CURSEWORDER and from the medieval German die curseworderen, which comes from the Latin word: shitmouth.


**note: you know, based on the title of this post I can understand why one might think that I was going to talk about money ANYWHERE in it. I can only assume that at one point I was going to tie this post into a money discussion. For the life of me I can't figure out how I was going to do that. I think the past me was smarter than the current me. My intellect is like Merlin.

Midnight

I went on a midnight grocery run last night. Had to get a few things.

I don't know about you, but there is something about a woman with a penchant for talking to anyone in her vicinity while washing her car with wet towelettes under a parking lot street light - at midnight no less - that kinda puts me on my guard. So, Crazy-bug-eyed-lady, if you happen to read this blog, I am sorry my "new fangled door unlocker thing" spooked you as I walked back to my car. But I promise you, my haunted car was more afraid of you than you were of it.

I must have been getting tired too. On my way home I swear I saw part of the road get up and cross to the other side of the road.

Shaving

You know, you spend 20 years shaving your face and you really think you have this whole shaving thing down. But in case you were planning on taking that next logical step, let me first offer you this word of warning: Your back is much bigger than your face. And harder to reach.

For this job you will need:

1. Extendo razors for those hard to reach places (not yet invented)
2. At least 3 mirrors to see what you are doing.
3. 3 blind servants to hold the mirrors.
4. Drano.

Estimated time: 1 hour.

In lieu of having the preceding list I would recommend the following:

1. At least one week of arm stretches before you begin. Flexibility is key.
2. A standing mirror placed strategically in back of you with your bathroom mirror in front.
3. Drano. Non negotiable.

Estimated time: 2 hours.

The key to finishing this job is suspending judgment. If you had made your own body then you certainly would have chosen a smooth back. For that matter, you would have given yourself a high speed metabolism and rock hard abs. And while we are on the subject, you'd be a few more inches taller and you'd have a full head of hair. Your teeth wouldn't be so crooked and you'd function best on 4 hours of sleep.

BUT, you didn't make yourself. You're stuck with what you got. The Lord God did his very best with the DNA your parents provided - you know it's true. You need to come to terms with that. You also need to do more sit-ups and you need to shave that back. That field of fur isn't going to shave itself.

OK, there are plenty of you out there who would suggest that to shorten this depilating job down a bit you should solicit the help of your significant other. S/he can shave your back much more quickly than you. I would not recommend this. In fact, I would highly unrecommend it. You see, love might be blind, but it is a willful blindness. Love won't see the things it doesn't want to see. But if you stick a razor in love's hand and tell love to shave away, love will regain its sight. And that is a miracle that no relationship needs. LOVE MUST REMAIN BLIND!

Love already knows you fart in bed, you pick your nose, your morning breath reaks, your love handles are creeping around the front and back, you spend way too much time watching cartoons, you would eat pizza at every meal if she didn't intervene and you are not getting up when the kids cry at night. Love bought some serious glasses last year, remember? Do you really want to tempt love? NO. Shave your back yourself. Trust me.