Shaving

You know, you spend 20 years shaving your face and you really think you have this whole shaving thing down. But in case you were planning on taking that next logical step, let me first offer you this word of warning: Your back is much bigger than your face. And harder to reach.

For this job you will need:

1. Extendo razors for those hard to reach places (not yet invented)
2. At least 3 mirrors to see what you are doing.
3. 3 blind servants to hold the mirrors.
4. Drano.

Estimated time: 1 hour.

In lieu of having the preceding list I would recommend the following:

1. At least one week of arm stretches before you begin. Flexibility is key.
2. A standing mirror placed strategically in back of you with your bathroom mirror in front.
3. Drano. Non negotiable.

Estimated time: 2 hours.

The key to finishing this job is suspending judgment. If you had made your own body then you certainly would have chosen a smooth back. For that matter, you would have given yourself a high speed metabolism and rock hard abs. And while we are on the subject, you'd be a few more inches taller and you'd have a full head of hair. Your teeth wouldn't be so crooked and you'd function best on 4 hours of sleep.

BUT, you didn't make yourself. You're stuck with what you got. The Lord God did his very best with the DNA your parents provided - you know it's true. You need to come to terms with that. You also need to do more sit-ups and you need to shave that back. That field of fur isn't going to shave itself.

OK, there are plenty of you out there who would suggest that to shorten this depilating job down a bit you should solicit the help of your significant other. S/he can shave your back much more quickly than you. I would not recommend this. In fact, I would highly unrecommend it. You see, love might be blind, but it is a willful blindness. Love won't see the things it doesn't want to see. But if you stick a razor in love's hand and tell love to shave away, love will regain its sight. And that is a miracle that no relationship needs. LOVE MUST REMAIN BLIND!

Love already knows you fart in bed, you pick your nose, your morning breath reaks, your love handles are creeping around the front and back, you spend way too much time watching cartoons, you would eat pizza at every meal if she didn't intervene and you are not getting up when the kids cry at night. Love bought some serious glasses last year, remember? Do you really want to tempt love? NO. Shave your back yourself. Trust me.