Favorite Game, not so favorite cereal.

Growing up (and yesterday) I loved Mario.  Mario was the coolest game that I was awful at.  It was the end bosses that got me.  And the water levels.  But I was pretty good at all of the levels that just ended with a flag.  None of this is pertinent except:  Mario.  Or, more specifically, Super Mario.

Over the weekend I found this sitting in the Kroger grocery:

Of course, I had to buy it.  It is SUPER MARIO CEREAL! How could I not buy it?

But, for the rest of you:  Don't buy it.  Is was Super Not Great!  I'd give it a 2 out of 5.

It tasted kinda like Frankenberry Crunch, but with less overt strawberry flavor, so it wasn't as awesome.  It also had a hint of Smurf Berry Crunch, which was THE best cereals from the 80s that turned to mush in 3 minutes.  But if you ate it fast it was delicious.  Super Mario Cereal was something of a blend of those.  My guess is this cereal could not stand up to Frankenberry or Smurf Berry because they were trying to make it pseudo healthy.  That'll ruin a good sugar indulgent cereal every time.

If you take a look at the fine print under the name you'll see something that struck me as odd.  "Naturally Flavored with OTHER Natural Flavors."  WTF does that mean?  What are the "other" flavors?  And what are the flavors other than the "others?"  I'm confused.

Also, and this is just a guess, but I think Kellogg's might be ashamed of this cereal.  They didn't put their name on it.  Usually the company name is plastered across the front of the box, but look for yourself.  It isn't there.  They must have known this was a poor effort.  I was halfway through my third bowl when I realized I had no idea who made this cereal.  For all I knew it was made my Inspector Arsenic.  I suddenly felt an urgent need to know whence came the foodstuffs I was stuffing into my food hole.  Finally I found it, clearly printed on the bottom of the box and in the fine print on the side.

I don't know.  It wasn't great.  I probably won't buy it again.

You Don't Deserve It University Tech

It's a fairly common practice to see a university grant honorary degrees and Ph Ds on persons in the public square who go above and beyond in their field and who improve the social knowledge base of a given subject.  In my opinion this is usually a very good practice.  I'm sure that most of these universities are only doing this because they want to bring said excellent individual into their fold of alumni and there-from guilt them into contributing their wealth.  Nevertheless, these hard working and high achieving individuals are being recognized as knowledgeable on a level at least somewhat equal to a scholar in the given subject.

I think this is an excellent practice and if I were to review it I'd give it an A.  And probably an honorary degree.

But this isn't a review of that practice.  This is a proposal to take it a step further.  If real colleges can give real degrees to people who never went to school but who have shown that even without the education they really get it, then I think there should be a fake college to review people who have received real degrees from real colleges, but who, through their own ineptitude and stupidity, have proven that they don't know the first thing about the subject of their degree.  The greatest example I can think of is doctors who still, in spite of all of the evidence to the contrary, claim that vaccines are dangerous.

I propose we name the college You Don't Deserve It University Tech, or YDDIUT (pronounced idiot).  An YDDIUT degree sounds dumb because it is.

We don't give these honorary degrees to people who don't have a degree and perhaps should not know any better.  Nor do we give them to people who have a degree in one discipline, but who are complete morons in a different discipline.  But we do give them to anyone who, in spite of all evidence, and in the field of their degree (so they should know better), continue to hold an opinion that is wrong and dangerous to the public at large.

Is this too harsh?

The Masters - A Review

I went to the Masters (golf) this past weekend at Augusta National. My father asked if I wanted to go about a month ago and I jumped at the opportunity. I've never seen a professional tournament and I thought it might be a once in a lifetime opportunity. Even if you don't like golf going and sitting out in the beautiful sun among the immaculately landscaped fairways is not a bad way to spend your Saturday.

I don't know how they do it, but the grass at Augusta is just slightly lower than ground level. And that is in the "rough" area. On every single course I have ever played the "rough" is basically an inch tall and it will swallow your ball. Or, on the really bad courses, it's just crab grass. At Augusta there was scarcely a difference between the rough and the fairway.

One thing I was not prepared for at Augusta National was the outrageous percentage of men smoking cigars. Nasty.

Almost no one smoked a cigarette, but there was no less than one in ten men smoking cigars. Which, as you can imagine, sort of spoiled the wonderful, green experience I was having. Just as I was about to watch a beautiful drive on a par 3 a cloud of smoke came creeping along on the tail of a dirty joke being told by one 40+ year old who must have been thinking that his joke was too funny for everyone around him to notice that he was tugging a bit to frequently at his genitals.
PREDICTION: I see a clinic visit in his future.

He and his buddies were chatting up a storm and looking much like industrial revolution London, except that they were wearing modern cotton blended fibers that "wick" the sweat away from your body. And they clearly all had waxed their eyebrows.

Our 40 year old was telling his joke to this 20-ish year old woman who looked to me like she didn't want to be disgusted by the smoke, the man or the joke, but despite her efforts she was, all three.

Seconds later, after I finished gagging on smoke, and after I missed the awesome drive, a pretty lady with a very large hat came and sat down right in front of my dad. His entire view was obstructed. We chuckled at first, but then she proceeded to tell the guy she sat down beside about all of the things she had purchased at the golf shop. I swear, she paid $100.00 for what amounted to a white T-shirt with the Masters logo on it. "A great deal" so she said. I won't blame people for being rich, because I usually wish I was. But I will blame them and make fun of them for being stupid.

Anyway, she talked about her purchases for no less than 5 minutes and then segued into the things she wished she could buy, and by chance did he know what what's-her-face would like, because her birthday was near and she wanted to get her something from here. The guy said that she would like a shirt and if she was going back to the store could he get an extra one and he would pay her back. She said yes. I thought he was doing us a favor by getting rid of the little chatterbox, but ere she was standing to go he grabbed her arm and began a completely different conversation that lasted 15 minutes! Two groups of golfers passed as they chatted. Finally, she asked if he was enjoying the match and he said that he wasn't and he was about to go to his cabin and watch it on TV. She asked if she could join him and I assume they both went and spent a buzillion dollars on Masters coozy cup holders and had adulterous sex while smoking cigars - the Masters on ESPN in the background. But what do I know. It could have been innocent.

So anyway, some reviews.

REVIEW: THE MASTERS
~too much for one review. must be broken down

THE GROUNDS OF AUGUSTA NATIONAL
A+
The are the nicest grounds I have ever walked on, and I have played at some nice clubs. I will never play Augusta National because I will never be able to afford and membership. And even if I could afford it, I wouldn't feel right about belonging to a club that still, in 2011, dose not allow women.

AUGUSTA'S GENDER POLICY
F

CIGAR SMOKING
F-
Why do rich guys smoke cigars? Aren't rich people supposed to be educated. Haven't they heard of cancer? I know that rich people belong to a secret society of semi-immortals, but still, why take the chance. And besides, I cannot be the only one who has noticed the clear phallic resemblance. What is the draw to putting a giant paper penis in your mouth and sucking on it for an hour?

THE ACTUAL GOLFING
B
I saw some really sweet shots, but mostly I saw plain golf. Tiger Woods shot par, which is terrible for a pro. Apparently he had to take 6 months off to learn a new swing because his biceps have gotten too big. I can't imagine what my boss would do if I told him I had to take 6 months off because my biceps had gotten to big and I could no longer type right.

I'm gonna try it and see what happens. Maybe if I do it while smoking a cigar and grabbing my balls a lot he'll think I'm a semi-immortal and he'll promote me.

Expired Bailey's Review

pre REVIEW:
Bailey's Irish Cream.
Yummy. You guys probably all know that. But have you ever had expired Bailey's Irish Cream?

Yes, indeed, this wonderful beverage can go bad even though it has alcohol in it. Bailey actually saw fit, apparently, to add an expiration date, should those out there wiser than me look for such a thing.

the real REVIEW:
Expired Bailey's Irish Cream.
First of all let me say that HOW expired your Bailey's is probably plays a huge roll in the quality of the taste. For reasons all my own I'm going to review Bailey's Irish Cream that is, oh I don't know, 18 months past it's expiration date.

Rating:
Not Good.
This I can guarantee.
It will, however, still get u drunk.
Kind of like mixing whiskey, chocolate and blue cheese.
Not for the lactose intolerant.
Or for anyone who wants to not throw up.

Advice:
Rather than trying to read the back of the Bailey's bottle through a blurry and fevered and cramping haze, check the expiration before you drink.

Review - Cocoa Beach

Ok, so I never reviewed the actual place where we stayed.

REVIEW:
COCOA BEACH -eh

It was ok, I guess. Having no money in a place that is 99.99% commercial will really dump on your impression of it. But it was an alright beach town. What was really terrible was Cape Canaveral. Man.

Cape Canaveral is like that boy that went to middle school with you. You remember the one; he never washed his hair and he pierced his own nipple with a safety pin. Yeah, classy. But he sank to all time trashy lows when he was caught in the boys' bathroom smoking and making out with his sister. Gross. That's Cape Canaveral.

Cocoa Beach is the sister. It's still gross that she'd kiss her brother, but in 7th grade she had the hottest body in school, so remarkably everyone forgave her; even the girls. That's Cocoa Beach. It's not the classiest place in the world, but you don't have to marry it.

Histe Up the John B. Sail -and an ORBITZ review

Ok, so when does a trip begin?
1. When you arrive at your destination?
2. When you start the trip to your destination?
3. The moment you clock out at work the day before?
4. Or does it start when you begin to plan the trip and get the kids involved and fired up about all of the things you will all be doing?

In March we started planning our trip to Gulf Shores, Alabama. We went last year and we liked it a lot. So we were planning a repeat.

Sadly, BP broke the Gulf of Mexico. Rebecca and clung to our reservations for about a month too long, hoping BP would do ANYTHING. But they just looked at the catastrophe they created like it was spilled water colors and that any moment Mommy would come along and fix it.

About a month before our vacation we started a serious last minute redo. Everything was out the window. But we found new stuff and tried our best to get the kids psyched about the new destination.

We had booked out vacation with Orbitz, so I cancelled them through Orbitz.

Review:
Orbitz Customer Service - F!
Utter and abysmal failure does not capture the craptatistitude with which Orbitz handled this account and subsequently ruined our vacation.

Review:
Orbitz Ability to Totally and Completely RUIN Your Vacation - A
Yes, I blame Orbitz. Completely and totally.

Here is a short background and then I'll get to the pics.

I canceled my vacation via the Orbitz website, as directed by Orbitz. I got a message that clearly stated my reservation was canceled, but that it was not technically complete until I received a call from the Hotel I was staying at.

A week went by and I had not heard from the Gulf Shores Hotel. It was a week until our vacation at Cocoa Beach (the new location). I called the Gulf Shores Hotel and spoke to the very nice Danielle. She told me that they had heard nothing from Orbitz and that I needed to call Orbitz, not cancel on-line. Further, I needed to wait on the phone while Orbitz called the hotel and canceled the reservation.

I did that. I spoke to a woman named Lukewlla (or something). She told me that she had called the hotel, had spoken to Danielle and that I would be receiving a refund on my deposit. Since she knew Danielle's name I thought that everything was peachy.

Our first night at the hotel we checked our bank account to find that the Gulf Shores Hotel had charged us for our full stay. We had no cash to spend on our vacation. When I called the hotel Danielle said that Orbitz had never called. When I called Orbitz they said, "We can see that you called on June 18, but there is no documentation of what was said in that conversation."

So, I had this new lady cancel the reservations again and contact the Gulf Shores Hotel. The next morning I called the Gulf Shores Hotel and Danielle told me that she had not received any documentation from Orbitz. However, she did tell me that she was going to reverse the charges. I would have my money back, but not until my vacation was over.

I called Orbitz back and yelled at the first person to pick up the phone. Was it her fault? No. Did I care? Not really. Do I care now? I'm trying to, but no, not really.

So on to the Vacation.

We chose Cocoa Beach because it seemed pleasant enough and it came recommended by just about everyone who had been there. We also liked the fact that it was so close to the Kennedy Space Center and a nice sized zoo. Our kids like to go to the zoo on vacation.

I told Rebecca that I was going to take a bazillion pictures this year, since last year I had only taken a few and we had regretted it. I said, "Everyone will be annoyed with how many pictures I take. This is a warning."

The vacation started off with this pic just over the border of Florida. I love Palm Trees.


On the first day I took the camera up to the coast where my kids were splashing in the water. I did this last year and got some really great shots. Then a big wave comes along. The tiniest little bit of water splashed on the camera and it quit working instantly. There is no way the water caused it. First of all, it didn't get that wet. Secondly, when I opened the battery and memory card slots, they were totally dry. Nevertheless, the camera was completely broken. All we had left was my 1.3 megapixel phone camera.

That night as we spent way too much money on a fish dinner that tasted like tires we debated spending a little cash on a new camera. Little did we know that night we would find that all of our money was gone!

In spite of Orbitz outrageous assault on our vacation, we tried to have a good time.

Here's the beach. Those surfers in the corner were desperately trying to impress that girl with them. They kept wrestling each other to the ground and holding the other's head under water. Sadly, the girl seemed slightly impressed by all of this.

On the second day I made a sand castle:

One of my better efforts. It looked way more impressive in person. This was about 12 stories tall.

Here is our resort. It sat on top of my daughter's head. That's her blond scalp at the bottom of the picture.

Some waves. As best I can tell they are retreating from this vacation.

Here is a pic from the zoo. This pretty little island was surrounded by gigantic alligators lazily swimming around and looking up at us like we were a buffet. What a metaphor.


By far the favorite attraction for my children was this:

It is a pirate ship kiddie pool. I have to admit, it was pretty cool. Every night after dinner we'd take the kids for night swimming at the pool. They'd run around and splash and play until they were just dead tired. It was awesome. Except for the last night when this boy started getting a bit too physical with these other two girls. They were wrestling and kissing. The pool rules stated that only ages 12 and under could play in the pool. I asked the boy how old they were. He said 17 and the girl said 13. Ok, gross. I asked them to leave and he said that he was watching his kid brother. We looked around and saw a six year old boy hanging upside down from the bow of the pirate ship. After a few seconds 17 realized that this was probably dangerous and told his brother to climb down. I called security, but they did not eject 17 from the pool. I was tempted to call Child Welfare, but I let it go.

Oh yeah, and we all got sunburned.

And here is the final casualty:

It seems our house sitter walked by these plants every day and didn't think, "Wow, those plants might need some water." They were such lovely Petunias when we left.

Review - the Water Jet

Ok, I haven't done a review in a while, but this product is in desperate need of one.

You may have seen this product advertised in a commercial:

Especially if you watch a lot of late night cable TV, which I, sadly, do.

Well, the commercial makes it look like this wonderful product is set to replace the pressure washer as the means by which you clean your house, spray off your patio, hose down your car, et cetera. The commercial makes this product look awesome. It is remarkable powerful this product is... in the commercial. IN THE COMMERCIAL it can do anything a pressure washer can do.

And it is only $20.00

REVIEW:
COMMERCIALS - Lies, damn lies.
Who didn't already know that, right?

fine
REVIEW:
the WATER JET - D minus. Don't buy it.
Yes, the Water Jet makes the water come out of your garden hose faster than it otherwise would have without the Water Jet. But, no, this product doesn't not suck.

Yes, this product will remove the moss and dirt build up on your patio; sort of. But no, it will not do it quickly and it will not not waste a lot of water. (the double not was intentional) It took me about five minutes to spray the leaves off my 10' by 10' patio. I could have swept it in 2. And though it did remove the moss and dirt it did it begrudgingly and I had to focus on a single spot for several seconds. That's a lot of water wasted.

Yes, this product does come with an alternative head for a different kind of spray. But no, it also doesn't not suck.

No, this product will NOT remove the mildew from your vinyl siding. The commercial says it will, but not at my house.

Basically, this product does make the water come out faster, but only marginally. It will not come out of your hose at pressure washer speeds. For $20.00 it is totally not worth it. I wouldn't pay $5.00 for it.

There is a product out there that can do the job the Water Jet does for much less. Free even:

It's called your thumb.

If you need more power, rent/buy/borrow a pressure washer.

Closer-Finisher

Ok, as I mentioned last Friday I am a plant. A creative ideas person. Unfortunately I suffer from not being able to finish anything. I have no closer-finisher bones in my body.

I've been thinking about this and I figure that like anything else, finishing something takes practice. So to get better at finishing something I am going to have to practice finishing things. As luck would have it I have a treasure trove full of unfinished things. Here is the beginning of a list of things I have yet to finish:

1. Planting the strawberries - small yard work job.
2. Posting pictures of my recent yard work, perhaps including strawberries - small job.
3. Pirates - Huge animation project in the early stages of development. This is how far I've gotten.
4. Elves - Medium animation project that is far closer to being done. View.
5. Bunny Wars - comic book project. I am half done with the first book.
6. Fort - Small project of a video game idea.
7. The Birds and the Bees - a medium picture book project that is mostly done.
8. Snake Bear - a medium picture book project that is barely begun.
9. Book of Bad Poetry - a large project. You'd be surprised how hard it is to write a bad poem that is so bad people will actually enjoy it.
10. Pseudo Auto Biography - Huge project. This is probably 1/3 done. The problem is that try as I might I cannot make my life interesting; either on paper or in reality. This book is mostly funny, but no substance; think Jerry Seinfeld's last book only imagine it was good. (Not that I'm somehow better than Seinfeld. No way. But I was outrageously disappointed when I read his book. So boring and not funny. -this has been a parenthetical REVIEW: an unfunny D!)
11. This list - a small job for which it will take a few days to gather all of the information.


So there you have the beginning of the list of things I never finish. God willing I'll finish the list at least.

On the scale of grand things a project is much bigger than a job. I think that I will start with a job. Perhaps a small victory will be good for my self esteem. And since my strawberry plants are in danger of dying if I do not get them into the ground, they make the best place to start.


PS. I weighed 161 pounds last night. I'm down 4 pounds. That's not bad for the first two day. But in truth, I always drop the first 10 pounds pretty quickly. I'll be down to 155 by May. The real trick will be getting into the 140s.

I don't really know if this is working. I've been working out for a little less than a week now and I've already doubled my posts. Do you think it's working?

Review of Halloween

REVIEW:
Halloween this year

Eh. Not bad.




It rained in Georgia and apparently some people took that to mean that Halloween was canceled. Lazy.

Several houses in our neighborhood that were decorated last year were not this year. I confess that we did not decorate as elaborately as we normally do. But we were decorated some (see pumpkins above) and in my defense our front yard hasn't been mowed in about a month, so the yard was already sufficiently scary, with several live fire ant hills and a couple of spots where the neighbor’s dogs left a pre-Halloween trick behind.

Also we didn’t seem to have as many trick or treaters.

I know what you are thinking; we had fewer trick or treaters because of the rain. Well, no. It wasn't raining that hard. And since when have you ever known a kid that would not be willing to get a little damp if it meant they got to dress up in a costume AND get pounds of free candy? Since never, that's when.

Ok, it goes without saying that this review forgives those people who never celebrate. You have made a conscious decision throughout the ages to not have fun. That is your right, and I respect your decision to be lame. But to those of you who usually do celebrate and who opted not to this year, shame. Your poor kids must be devastated. Devastated and embarrassed. Devastated and embarrassed and without a Halloween mask to hide behind, or a sufficient amount of candy to drown the sorrows in.

In other news the crazy lady across the street from me went Super-Nuts and decorated the hell out-of/into her yard. She must have had 20 tomb stones, three or four skeletons, a lightning machine, a fog machine, spooky music, innumerable spiders and cob webs all over everything. My kids were actually afraid to go up to her front door. My daughter would only do it if I was right beside her, and my son stayed about six feet behind me. The lady had to come out of her house in the rain to give him his candy. Then she said, "I didn't think you kids were still in the neighborhood. Your momma used to come down and talk with me all of the time. She doesn't come by any more." That scared me more than all of her decorations.

When I asked Rebecca if she ever went down to the crazy lady's house to talk she said, "Yeah, once. And I realized she was crazy."

Same old, same old/and a Review

I checked again...

I'm still not magic.

I'm convinced that there should be magic in the world, but that some time in the past some jackass ruined everything somehow. Did s/he absorb all of the magic and then fade into oblivion? Did s/he banish all magic to another dimension?

I don't know.

All I know is that I'm pretty certain I should be able to throw fire, but I can't. I've held my hands in just about every way you can think of. I've said every word for fire I can imagine. I've done summoning poses like Moses parting the sea. I've don't fancy wind-ups like professional baseball pitchers. I've even tried flicking fire like a Frisbee. Nothing. Not even smoke.

My kids are disappointed too. They haven't said so, but I can tell. I don't even think they are aware that I am a magical failure. But to date I have performed no feet more spectacular than juggling, winning Mario Galaxy and being immune to all their attempts to tickle me. Granted, these three accomplishments fascinate them beyond belief, but I suspect they are anxious for me to take my magic to the next level and I cannot.

I should be able to throw fireballs. Or at least make the cat box clean itself. But to date the most magical thing I can do is yell, "STOP BOUNCING ON THE COUCH" from another room. "How did you know we were on the couch? We can't get away with anything!"

This is only magic to a 6 year old.


REVIEW
THIS MAGICLESS WORLD:
sigh - less than enchanting

As soon as I find out where the magic cork is I'm removing it. Then I'll be able to throw some serious fireballs.

I bet I could get a job in the circus juggling fireballs. Can you juggle a fireball that you've created? If it comes out of one hand, will it burn the other? I'll let you know.

Question and a REVIEW and ADVICE

Ok, so I eat granola bars. And yes, I know they are not really all that healthy for you. Basically you have SOME oats with a whole bunch of chocolate chips and/or peanut butter chips and/or raisins all mush into a bar and glued together with honey. But it will kill you slower than a Snickers.

So my favorite flavor is the Chocolate Chip from Quaker Chewy Granola bars. Now recently I noticed that the box of these bars said they were 25% less sugar. YEAH! Slightly less bad for me. But then I looked at the nutritional information and I saw that they still had 90 calories. Well Quaker's Chocolate Chip Chewy Granola bar has been 90 calories for about 3 years now (perhaps more, but I didn't care before then).

The calories are still the same. That doesn't mean that the 25% sugar was not removed. It just means that they have substituted something else for it that is the exact same amount of calories. That could actually work to my advantage. More oats means more healthiness. Perhaps more vitamins and minerals. So I looked at that too. No, the nutritional information is exactly the same as before. Same fiber, same pathetically low vitamin count.

What's new? IF the 25% sugar was taken out of a 90 calorie snack food and the calories stayed the same, something must have been added to account for those calories. But whatever it was they added has no nutritive value at all.

REVIEW:
TASTE TEST for Quaker's (new 25% less sugar) Chocolate Chip Chewy Granola Bar:
B minus 25%

as you might have guessed it is about 25% less good than before. before the granola bars were somewhat hard, though not teeth breaking hard. they were chewy and yummy. now they almost fall apart when you are opening the wrapper. clearly the sugar they removed was some form of glue. and if my taste buds are correct what they have decided to use as a granola glue - instead of sugar - is GLUE.

Boo, Quaker. Boo.

Here is some ADVICE for your marketing people:

If you are going to remove 25% of what makes your product good in an effort to make your product more healthy 2 things need to happen:

1. Your product should ACTUALLY BECOME MORE HEALTHY.
2. Your product shouldn't become more shitty.

what? and Review

Ok, when I want the definition of a word I go to Dictionary.com. I love that site. But today I was not so impressed. I wanted to find a synonym for awesome. This was the synonym they gave:

Main Entry: awesome
Part of Speech: adjective
Definition: amazing
Synonyms: alarming, astonishing, awe-inspiring, awful, beautiful, breathtaking, daunting, dreadful, exalted, fearful, fearsome, formidable, frantic, frightening, grand, hairy*, horrible, horrifying, imposing, impressive, intimidating, magnificent, majestic, mean, mind-blowing*, moving, nervous, overwhelming, real gone, shocking, something else, striking, stunning, stupefying, terrible, terrifying, wonderful, wondrous, zero cool
Antonyms: unamazing


REVIEW:
Dictionary.com's Thesaurus entry for Awesome:
un-real gone, not hairy

Ok, most of those synonyms are decent. And I have to admit, hairy and real gone are bizarre in the extreme, which I like. But what of "zero cool." Isn't awesome supposed to be cool? Maybe I'm confused. And look at those antonyms; or should I say antonym... I mean, really? Unamazing? You might as well have put Unawesome as the antonym.

Could Dictionary.com, the preliminary dictionary on the Internet, really not think of a better antonym for Awesome? How about bad, horrible, bogus, tragic, bald, awful -wait, that was a synonym- weak, sad, boring, pathetic. Or what about shitty?

Dear Dictionary.com,

Your Thesaurus entry for Awesome was un-not-shitty.



Resumes Sent: 4
Stories Sent: 1
My suckitude: 6

Review: Stupid Science

Ok, what I am reviewing today is not Science with a derogatory adjective placed in front of it. It is science that has been rendered stupid by scientists being stupid and therefore is STUPID SCIENCE.

REVIEW:
Stupid Science;
Notably this article:
"Finger length may predict financial success"
--Horse Shit.

yeah, I said it. horse shit. how do I know? well, let's just say I know. this wonderful article is about a "study" done by "researchers" at Cambridge in England. apparently this study postulated that men with ring fingers longer than their index finger tended to be better with money.

now lets apply this theory to reality. I have a ring finger longer than my index finger. what does that mean? it means don't send your kids to Cambridge in England.


Resumes Sent: 4
Stories Sent: 1
My suckitude: 5 (leveling off)

Review of a Review of my Review

REVIEW:
A Review of my Review

before I actually give my review I feel that it is appropriate to show you, the reader, the review of my review.

but before I let you see this review, because it is inflammatory and prejudicial, I feel I must give you some background on what I was reviewing that sparked this review of my review, and subsequently my review of the review of my review.

I was reviewing Strawberry Milk and I said, "strawberry milk is the awesomest." I further went on to say that when you put way too much strawberry powder in the milk it makes the beverage "super-better."

I know what you are thinking, reader. What could a reviewer have possibly said of this beautiful review except to point out that it is in fact beautiful. Well written doesn't cover it. Reading my review of Strawberry milk makes flowers grow. It reduces CO2 gas. In fact, it has not been tested, but I believe that reading this wonderful review will make you more attractive.

Did my reviewer confirm these irrefutable facts? No. She wrote this:

Newsflash: STRAWBERRY MILK IS TEH SUCK!

And this brings us to my REVIEW:
The Review of My Review

not everybody is smart.


Yes, my loyal readers, I could have expounded on the virtues of the delicious Strawberry Milk. I could have mentioned the river of Strawberry Milk that flows through Heaven and nourishes the angels of the Lord's choir. I could have mentioned that the flavor of Strawberry Milk is so wonderific that a millennium ago, when gnomes first tasted it, they began to extract the delicious strawberry flavor from Strawberry Milk so they could inject it into a hitherto bland and useless fruit called the Gross. Now it is called the Strawberry. Or I could have mentioned how the United States won World War II by manufacturing 3 super soldiers whose only nourishment was Strawberry Milk that had been fortified by more Strawberry Milk. These men were so powerful they actually killed every male in Germany. But they were so virile they corrected their mistake by impregnating all the German women. Now they play tennis on the moon while holding the breath they took when they jump up there 60 years ago. But these are Truths undeniable.

My reviewer did not concern herself with Truth. She wrote her review based on Opinion, which is ok, I guess, except it was not even her own opinion because NOBODY thinks that Strawberry Milk is not beyond-words-amazing. She took a position that not even the devil himself would take. And where is the point in that?

What she did is like having some super wonderful guy say, "Wow, that's a nice blouse you have on." And then picking up the nearest dog turd* and rubbing on your blouse just so you can say, "Nuh uh!" And that, my friends, is not smart.

*scientifically speaking the nearest dog turd is never more than 15 feet away from you - unless you've recently had a glass of Strawberry Milk, in which case there will be no fecal matter within 50 yards of you (actual results may vary)


Resumes Sent: 0
Stories Sent: 1
-This week I sent The Computer Man to Fantasy and Science Fiction Magazine
My suckitude: 6

Review: Strawberry Milk

REVIEW:
Strawberry Milk:
Y for Yummy!

strawberry milk is the awesomest. Of course, I put way too much strawberry mix in it so it was kind of crunchy, but that made it super-better.

I'm currently up late attempting to finish some stories that I am supposed to be working on so that I can submit them to some magazines tomorrow. I really want to have some resumes sent and at least 1 story sent tomorrow. Really, really.


Resumes Sent: 0
Stories Sent: 0
My suckitude (scale of 1 to 10): 8

So Daggum Frustrating and a review.

Ok, I'm not going to say who it is, but someone who sits at my boss's desk has a head like a box of rocks.

This person looks and acts like my boss and she's stupid as a cow's ass. And I don't like her. And in case I didn't mention it, I don't think she's very smart.

I used to have a pretty high degree of respect for the Commissioner, but then I found out that this chick was mentored by him. My lord. No vetting process.

People give the DOL a lot of flack because we rarely hire management positions from outside of the department. The reason for that is our business is relatively unique. And most instances where we have taken the risk have proved unfortunate.

Sadly, I'm afraid this woman will be considered an exception to that rule. But if you ask me she takes the cake. And it's a dim, thick headed cake, that has no clever idea of her own, parrots what I say to the Commissioner, bitches as me for giving my own opinion, and, when called on the carpet by the Commish in a meeting last month stared at the wall and gave the most nonsensical answer. Everyone in the class knew this kid didn't read the chapter. Even the Commissioner said that she would be held responsible.

REVIEW:
TRYING TO HIDE YOUR FAILINGS
F- for F-ing BAD MANAGEMENT

I made a spreadsheet that showed exactly how our section was doing well, and how it was, in some cases, not measuring up to its requirements. I was told in specific terms to 1. get rid of the columns that show where we have failed, or 2. change the title of the column so that it is not clear what this column displays or 3. change the data in the column so that it looks like we have done better than we have done.

booooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

Review: Simply Having A Wonderful Christmas Time

Hands down, "Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time" is the worst Christmas song in the history of tonal music. It's the kind of song your friends sing loudly and obnoxiously just to tick you off.

I wouldn't be surprised to find out that it has been banned from being sung in heaven. I'd even go so far as to say that song, retroactively, is the reason Lucifer was kicked out of heaven. I bet Lucifer is one of those pranksters that pushes a joke that one step too far.

Lucifer: What do you mean I have to go live in a sea of fire?

God: Jesus tells me you won't quit bothering him.

Lucifer: Oh come on. It was a joke. You coddle that boy.

God: Don't tell me my business Luci. Jesus! Jesus, come here.

Jesus: What is it, pop?

God: Why am I banning Lucifer?

Jesus: Dad, I told you. He sang that song again.

Lucifer: Oh come on. Learn to laugh a little.

God: Lucifer. Jesus asked me to ban that song and so I did. And frankly I was glad to do it. That song is for shit and all humanity knows it.

Jesus: I could take the titty twister Lu, but that song. I hate it.

Beelzebub: What song?

Lucifer: Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time.

Beelzebub: Oh I love that one.

God: That's it. You're both out.

Beelzebub: What'd I do?

****
REVIEW:
SIMPLY HAVING A WONDERFUL CHRISTMAS TIME:
for shit - and all of humanity knows it

Ow... It hurts. It hurts. Dear Lord...

Review:
ANOTHER BLOG THAT MAKES FUN OF PEOPLE!!!
A! for tHis "one" is - Actually FunNy.. (you'll get that joke after you read a few entries)

http://cakewrecks.blogspot.com/
this site was sent to me as a pick-me-up. holy crap! I was reading it at work so I was trying not to laugh out loud. my sides were aching. at one point I read an entry that was so funny I couldn't contain the noise of my laughter. I quickly stifled the sound and put my head on my desk. I heard some people go walking by.

my wife has been sick lately. I've missed a few days of work. so now they hear muffled sounds coming from my office. "what could it be?" and as they walk by they see me facing the window, my head in hands, my shoulders shaking... I sniffle... I wipe tears away from my eyes. "That poor Michael. His wife must be really ill."

deception is a bad thing, right?

go to that website. try to keep the laughter quiet. it's good for about 50 calories, no lie. you may laugh off enough to warrant a piece of cake.

Review - Cat Alarms

REVIEW:
CAT ALARM CLOCKS
O for OUCH!

my wife's cat, Isis, decided at 7:30 am on Sunday that she wanted to be declawed. in the olden days, I was opposed to such things. I was under the impression that cats needed the defense, and I thought the process of declawing was mean. so then I got furniture and carpet, and suddenly cat rights seems thousands of dollars less important to me.

here is a lovely picture of how I started Sunday:

REVIEW:
THE EMOTIONAL EFFECT THE PREVIOUS PICTURE WILL HAVE ON YOU
F -for it doesn't look painful enuF

when I first bolted up to attention that morning it was clear what had happened. Isis was high tailing it out of the room and all kinds of nick-nacks were falling to the ground. oh yeah, and my ankle hurt like a muther. she had used my ankle as a spring board to get on top of the entertainment center.

there weren't any marks, though. I thought she would get away with her crime for lack of evidence. then, little bit by little bit the blood started to fill in. and what the blood failed to fill in the pain made up for. actually, it didn't hurt so much as it burned and itched like a little devil.

Rebecca was totally unsympathetic. I barely mentioned the scratch twenty three times before she made it totally clear that she wanted me to shut up about it. she said, "I'm sorry sweetheart. It does look pretty bad." that sounds nice, but it was the way she said it... then she said, "Perhaps if you trimmed her nails like I asked you to."

oh, so that's how it's gonna be.

Anyway, here is how my wound actually felt:


Rebecca will be crying when I die of cat-scratch fever.

REVIEW:
MY PHOTOSHOPPING SKILLS
D

I know, I know.

Review - e-mail from Yahoo

E-MAILS FROM YAHOO
D

dammit. one of the greatest feelings in the world is getting an e-mail. horray! someone was thinking of me! awesome!

it is especially great when you are sitting at your desk at work and you are bored off your butt. you look down to the information bar at the bottom of your monitor and there you see it: Y!(1 unread)...

oh man, you get so stoked! who could it be? who could it be?

oh.
it's just YAHOO!
... telling me about some business website deals.

well, who did you expect it to be, you loser?

the only thing worse would be spam. oh, wait... I just got some of that too.