The Masters - A Review

I went to the Masters (golf) this past weekend at Augusta National. My father asked if I wanted to go about a month ago and I jumped at the opportunity. I've never seen a professional tournament and I thought it might be a once in a lifetime opportunity. Even if you don't like golf going and sitting out in the beautiful sun among the immaculately landscaped fairways is not a bad way to spend your Saturday.

I don't know how they do it, but the grass at Augusta is just slightly lower than ground level. And that is in the "rough" area. On every single course I have ever played the "rough" is basically an inch tall and it will swallow your ball. Or, on the really bad courses, it's just crab grass. At Augusta there was scarcely a difference between the rough and the fairway.

One thing I was not prepared for at Augusta National was the outrageous percentage of men smoking cigars. Nasty.

Almost no one smoked a cigarette, but there was no less than one in ten men smoking cigars. Which, as you can imagine, sort of spoiled the wonderful, green experience I was having. Just as I was about to watch a beautiful drive on a par 3 a cloud of smoke came creeping along on the tail of a dirty joke being told by one 40+ year old who must have been thinking that his joke was too funny for everyone around him to notice that he was tugging a bit to frequently at his genitals.
PREDICTION: I see a clinic visit in his future.

He and his buddies were chatting up a storm and looking much like industrial revolution London, except that they were wearing modern cotton blended fibers that "wick" the sweat away from your body. And they clearly all had waxed their eyebrows.

Our 40 year old was telling his joke to this 20-ish year old woman who looked to me like she didn't want to be disgusted by the smoke, the man or the joke, but despite her efforts she was, all three.

Seconds later, after I finished gagging on smoke, and after I missed the awesome drive, a pretty lady with a very large hat came and sat down right in front of my dad. His entire view was obstructed. We chuckled at first, but then she proceeded to tell the guy she sat down beside about all of the things she had purchased at the golf shop. I swear, she paid $100.00 for what amounted to a white T-shirt with the Masters logo on it. "A great deal" so she said. I won't blame people for being rich, because I usually wish I was. But I will blame them and make fun of them for being stupid.

Anyway, she talked about her purchases for no less than 5 minutes and then segued into the things she wished she could buy, and by chance did he know what what's-her-face would like, because her birthday was near and she wanted to get her something from here. The guy said that she would like a shirt and if she was going back to the store could he get an extra one and he would pay her back. She said yes. I thought he was doing us a favor by getting rid of the little chatterbox, but ere she was standing to go he grabbed her arm and began a completely different conversation that lasted 15 minutes! Two groups of golfers passed as they chatted. Finally, she asked if he was enjoying the match and he said that he wasn't and he was about to go to his cabin and watch it on TV. She asked if she could join him and I assume they both went and spent a buzillion dollars on Masters coozy cup holders and had adulterous sex while smoking cigars - the Masters on ESPN in the background. But what do I know. It could have been innocent.

So anyway, some reviews.

REVIEW: THE MASTERS
~too much for one review. must be broken down

THE GROUNDS OF AUGUSTA NATIONAL
A+
The are the nicest grounds I have ever walked on, and I have played at some nice clubs. I will never play Augusta National because I will never be able to afford and membership. And even if I could afford it, I wouldn't feel right about belonging to a club that still, in 2011, dose not allow women.

AUGUSTA'S GENDER POLICY
F

CIGAR SMOKING
F-
Why do rich guys smoke cigars? Aren't rich people supposed to be educated. Haven't they heard of cancer? I know that rich people belong to a secret society of semi-immortals, but still, why take the chance. And besides, I cannot be the only one who has noticed the clear phallic resemblance. What is the draw to putting a giant paper penis in your mouth and sucking on it for an hour?

THE ACTUAL GOLFING
B
I saw some really sweet shots, but mostly I saw plain golf. Tiger Woods shot par, which is terrible for a pro. Apparently he had to take 6 months off to learn a new swing because his biceps have gotten too big. I can't imagine what my boss would do if I told him I had to take 6 months off because my biceps had gotten to big and I could no longer type right.

I'm gonna try it and see what happens. Maybe if I do it while smoking a cigar and grabbing my balls a lot he'll think I'm a semi-immortal and he'll promote me.