Kevin Smith big and Kevin Smith little

Kevin Smith big and Kevin Smith little

Kevin Smith had two bit parts in my dream last night.  He played them simultaneously; one as Kevin Smith before he lost the weight, the other as Kevin Smith now (after weight loss).  They were walking side by side in my dream.

So, in my dream sharks could swim underground.  Every now and then they’d swim up to the surface of the ground and eat someone.  After a while people figure out that the sharks could detect and locate humans by the sound and shock waves made by our walking.  In case you are thinking this plot sounds a lot like Tremors, you are correct.  I admit, my brain was not terribly creative last night, so it ripped-off an old, but awesome B movie.  But don’t judge me, Hollywood is way worse.  You know good and well you are planning on seeing Avengers 24 or Saw 19 or Aliens Recovenanted Again 2.

Anyway, I was walking through a parking lot with a large group of people; my two kids, some others I knew, some I did not; when we hear this sound from below. A person from the group I don’t know – we’ll call him Kevin Bacon – says something like, “Shit, it’s the sharks again.”

Kevin Smith big says, “Guys, stop moving.  We know they can hear us if we move.”

Kevin Bacon says, “We can’t just stand around here all day.  We’ve got to get to those cars.”

“No,” Kevin Smith big says, “We need to get to the boats.  Boats are safer.”

It’s at this point in the dream that I look out beyond the parking lot and see a dock full of boats that had hitherto not been there.

“Why boats?” I asked.

“Because these are sharks. They belong in the water.”  Kevin Smith big said.

In my dream this made perfect sense, even though every Jaws movie I’ve ever seen has some boat getting torn apart by a shark that then proceeds to eat everyone that had been in said boat.

So everyone is standing still, but we know it’s a losing situation.  We can hear the sharks circling below us.  Then Kevin Bacon says, “No way, man, if we all move at once, as least some of us can get to the boats.”  But no one moves, not even Kevin Bacon.

Then Kevin Smith little says, “Man, you just want us to move so the sharks come for us.  Then you can make a run for it while we get eaten.”

Then we hear another sound and Kevin Bacon says something like, “Screw this,” and he starts to run.  But he doesn’t make it more than a few feet when the square of sidewalk he’s on juts up from the ground and he falls head first to the other side.  In my dream we never see the shark because I have a very low budget dream factory.  But we do see Kevin Bacon get dragged below ground kicking and screaming.

At that point, Kevin Smith big and Kevin Smith little yell, “Now’s our chance!” and they start to run.  Several others from the group of those I don’t know run as well.  My kids look back at me, but I’m frozen in fear.  So they choose to stay still.

In the distance I hear some people get eaten and others get to safety.  Kevin Smith and Kevin Smith both make it aboard a boat.

Finally, a little too late, my kids and I make a break for a nearby boat.  A shark gives chase, but we make it in time.  Sadly, the boat I chose was in dry dock, so we aren’t exactly home free.  The dream gets weird after that.  

We find some paragliders in the boat’s storage.  I’ve been playing a lot of the Legend of Zelda, Breath of the Wild, in which you use a paraglider a good bit.  So my kids and I use paragliders to sail down from the boat, several hundred yards to the ocean, where once in the water we are safe from the sharks.

Then my wife comes by in another boat and picks up and the dream is over.

-The part of "First Guy Eaten By Sharks" was played by Kevin Bacon.  Kevin Bacon was not actually in my dream last night, but I figured that since this was clearly a Tremors rip-off, and since Kevin Bacon was the main character of the first Tremors movie, he should have a role.