house attack/Letter 15

Ok, I got up this morning and my house totally conspired to kill me. I dragged my butt out of bed and I turned the hot water on. I let it run for a very short period of time so it could heat up. When I got in the shower it was too hot so I turned it down a little and then I got in. Within in seconds it was too hot again. I could have died.

At first I didn't think the house was mad at me, but then the really bad thing happened.

I don't have a garage door opener yet, so I have to raise the garage door, then back out my car, then go back in and lower the door, then go outside through the front door and leave. It's kind of a pain.

Well, this morning I followed all of the steps and I noticed a little yellow jacket flying around and sniggering. I ignored it because those bugs are insane and they'll cut you for nothing. I didn't want to give him an excuse.

Anyway, I lower the garage door and as I'm going out the front door I realize that the door is on its way back up. Well, that's not supposed to happen. So I went into the garage and I saw that little psycho wasp floating around the object sensor that is supposed to detect when kids are standing under the door. But surely a little wasp isn't big enough to disrupt the sensor!

I put it out of my mind and I closed the door again. So again I went back through the house, through the front door, and out on the front patio. Lo! and Behold! the maniac bee had three or four friends floating around my front door. It was an ambush. One of them landed on my hand and I quickly brushed it away. Then it flew at my head and stung me right on the neck. And let me tell you, it hurt like shit.

Anyway, since this particular brand of bee was a wasp that meant it could sting me again and again if it had a mind to. And clearly it had a mind to, so I took off running to my car.

At first I thought this was just random violence perpetrated by the natural world onto me for being clean shaven. But now I realize that my house was behind it all. My house hasn't been lived in for about a year and I bet it resents having to be lived in again and be on its best behavior. Don't worry though, I'll get it in line.

Letter 15:

Dear [adult swim],

If you are waxing pubic does that mean you are performing hair removal or just becoming more of a pussy?

I saw a famous person today. I was driving down Courtland Street in Atlanta when I got stopped at the light between the Hyatt and the Marriott. I recognized him immediately, but I couldn't place him. He was so familiar, but I had no idea who he was. I am certain he was not a friend or family. And I'm pretty sure he wasn't a co-worker. No, this person was no aquaintence of mine. So he must have been famous. I think he might have been the janitor from Scrubs.

My wife likes a man in scrubs. Typical. When we first started dating she was Mrs. Goth, a rebel. She liked gaunt, pale, artistic men. With long hair. Now, after so many years, she tells me she likes men in uniform, men in scrubs, and men in nice suits. It's a little late for me to join the military, I'm afraid of needles, and while I do have one nice suit, I'm pretty sure that desire is a metaphore that I cannot live up to. I like to think I'm executive material, but these f-ing rungs keep slowing my climb up the ladder.

signed
May 21, 2006

Ps. I just spent 30 minutes in a meeting where we literally were discussing ways to make our meetings shorter. If I wasn't the bottom man on the totem pole I would have just walked out. I actually considered it, but I was worried they would have promoted me.