Move/Letter 14

Ok, the move is over. I am now the owner of a home I cannot afford. Yay.

Actually, the house is pretty cool. It looks like this: H. Isn't it pretty? Well, it's really two stories, so that picture has clearly been tampered with. I'm not sure who the Photoshop hacker is, but he did a horrible job.

Anyway, now that I am moved I can begin Campaign 3 (at long last). My goal is to send 2 letters a week, each with a picture or piece of art, of my creation. I will try and scan or upload the pictures for your viewing pleasure, but really, you don't deserve it. I'm not saying I'm disappointed in you, as my readers, but really I am.



Letter 14:

Dear [adult swim],

I want to write a self help book for fish called The Porpoise Driven Life.

Fish get depressed too. If you put your ear up next to a fish tank you can hear them all chanting, "I'm more than food. I'm more than food. I'm more than food." They're not, of course, but it's still cute.

I shaved my head last night. I've never done this before, so I really didn't know what to expect. I've wanted to do it for the longest time because, frankly, I wanted to see what my head looks like with no hair. It's beautiful!

Imagine the scene in Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark at the very end when the French guy, Belloq, opens the ark and sees all the spirits and he cries, "It's beautiful," in his moribun French accent, and all the Nazis agree, and then his head melts and their heads explode and everyone dies except for Indy and Marion. Well, that's the reaction I get when people look at my gorgeous dome. In fact, I've been forbidden by the government from ever shaving my head again because they can't keep cleaning up the mess.

The ACLU agreed to take my case against the goverment, sighting sheer ignorance and superstition in the ruling disallowing me from shaving my head. But when my incredibly hot attorney and her incredibly, incredibly hot female assistant saw my head they went crazy, tore of their shirts, made out for a few memorably moments, and then exploded into dust and guts.

I wear a hat most places now.

Actually, my head looks kind of silly now. I was suprised to find out how much hair I really had. When I first started cutting I got down right giddy. I felt like a kid cutting his own hair without permission. Then, after about a half hour of cutting, I really started to get bored. I was tempted to stop with cutting it when I looked in the mirror. I knew right away that I couldn't turn back or stop. So I broke out the razor. An hour later I was wishing it was all just a bad dream and that I would wake up and drag my lazy ass to the barber to let him shave it.

Now I have razor burn on my head. And it's cold.

signed
May 20, 2006

Ps. I'll wear a hat to work when you hire me.