Review - Science

SCIENCE:
C+

let me explain. I love science. I love reading about new discoveries in archeology, new theories about space and physics, new forensics to catch a theif and new ways to whiten my teeth. I eat it up. however, I am fundamentally depressed at the sloppy output of scientists and the fact that my car can't fly.

about a week ago I read that it is probably bad for you to consume artificial sweeteners. see, the body, scientists have discovered, instinctively knows how many calories are in the sugary foods we eat, and our brains, therefore, are designed to tell our mouths to stop eating when we have consumed too many sugary calories in favor for something with more substance. but by eating artificially sweetened foods we are consuming sweets that have no calories and over time we are destroying that instinctive relationship between our tastebuds and our brain. our brains no longer understand that sugary foods contain calories so when we get our hands on real sugar, say a cherry pie, we eat and eat, and our brains never say stop.

way to go, scientists! way to drop the ball on that one. "Let us give you that sugary flavor, without the calories," they said. "Won't that be good?"

well, no, it isn't good. turns out it's worse. cause now I start eating those damn little Snickers and I can't calculate how many of those equals one whole big Snickers bar. and the Snickers company doesn't bother to put a calorie count on the tiny ones, austensibly because they are insignificantly small. and now I can't trust my brain to tell me when to stop anymore because it has been damaged by saccharin. I have brain damage. my tastebuds are retarded.

sigh. well, I'm sure the scientists who thought of artificial sweeteners meant well.

or did they? new scientific forensic evidence has show that it was all a conspiracy by the Food and Drug Administration (a known communist front) to make Americans fat so that communist Russia can invade and take over all of North America while we are busy rolling from the kitchen to the bathroom, stopping every couple of feet to breath heavy and sweat.

now I know that Russia is no longer communist. but that was the plan, and it was thwarted primarily by Richard Simmons. and if it wasn't for the miracle of science Mr. Simmions would never have been able to wear such short shorts. then where would we have been, I wonder?



(scientifically speaking this post sucked.)