Review - Valentines Day

VALENTINES DAY:
B+

I don't know, as far as holiday's go, it isn't so bad.

in Elementary School it is required that everyone in your class send you a Valentine, and that you send one to everyone. this is fine in Kindergarden, first and second (or so), before kids start to realize that they are giving cards that express affection to kids that they really have no affection for. and when you receive a card from the kid who pulled your pants down in the lunchroom, you know he doesn't really "WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND."

then by third or fourth grade you have the f-ers who send everyone a card because they have to, but next to the "YOU'RE COOL" they write, "I don't really feel this way about you," on it, or next to the "BE MINE" they write, "As IF!" of course, some of the more clever kids will simply give you an envelope with nothing inside so it looks like they are following the rules. or they give you a card that has someone else's name on the inside, like the girl in class who is made entirely of matted hair, or the boy who farts all the time.

by fifth grade the teachers have completely stopped trying to make you write Valentines. it's just easier to console a kid who gets nothing than one who gets a hand made card that says, "Last night I decided you're gay." so they just stick the boxes out there and "encourage" everyone to participate. and you basically get cards from your friends that say, "You're really funny," or "You won't always be fat" and you really start to understand exactly how lonely Valentines can be.

then by sixth and seventh grade you start to "understand" Valentines and your showers start taking a lot longer. and you wonder if you weren't better off in first grade when you were getting lied to.

then in high school, if you aren't a total reject (my apologies to any total rejects out there), you find yourself a girlfriend. and the week before Valentines Day the bitch totally dumps you for this dick she had been dating before you. you were a rebound, you loser. and you wonder why you dated her in the first place. you really didn't like her. she wasn't very smart, or very pretty. but she was the best could do.

then in or after college you land a wife who is a supermodel and you take some small comfort in the fact that your ex-girlfriends are all lesbians or prostitutes and you are going to get a huge tax deduction for Valentines because you are married with children.