My Heart

The kids have been away this week and my eating habits have hit the toilet. Last night I had a double cheese burger with bacon on it; the Baconater! With every bite I could feel the fat juices running down my throat in a bee line to my ass. I almost thought about exercising, but I had a glass of water instead, which is just as good.

So this morning I woke up and didn't feel so good. My chest was feeling kind of tight. So I did the responsible thing and I had skim milk in my Fruity Pebbles. Except that didn't really fix the problem. I walk about a mile from the bus stop to my office every morning and this morning was a bear. The Fruity Pebbles and the donuts made an encore sidewalk performance. A homeless guy was just about to ask me for some money, but the splashy splatter of my breakfast revisited about-faced him. That or it was the smell.

After that display of gross I resolved to eat better tonight. I had pizza. It has every food group. I ate it as I watched 30 Rock. I laughed so hard my heart started to hurt. My mouth was full and my eyes were sweating. Rebecca looked over at me and said, "Are you ok?" I swallowed my not-really-chewed bite of pizza, which did hurt some, and said, "I think I'm having a heart attack."

"Are you sure?" she said.

"No," I said. Then I took a big nother bite of the pizza, which was almost good. I chewed it up this time and swallowed.

"Should you be eating something this fatty if you're feeling so bad?" she asked.

"I think I feel better," I said. Then another funny part came on that made my chest hurt again.

"You sure you're ok?" she asked again because she loves me.

I took another bite of pizza and chewed it up and swallowed it. I paused for a moment and waited. "Yeah," I said, "Every time my heart starts to attack I just eat a bit piece of pizza and it slows down."

That worked until I ran out of pizza. Next Thursday I'll need to make sure I have more pizza.

If I remember tomorrow I'll ask my friend, who's in medicine, if he's ever considered recommending pizza to stop a heart attack.