Champaign Nasal Spray

My name is Michael. That is the English-male version of the name. Not to be confused with Michelle. The English-female version. See, we spell them differently so you don't get confused and accidentally call a guy Michelle. I have a small amount of forgiveness stored up inside of me for those Europeans who are used to calling men Michelle, but none for those native English speakers who look at my name and say Michelle. You'd be surprised how many substitute teachers during my public school years called me Michelle; subsequently paving the way for all of my "friends" in class thinking it was funny and calling me that for the rest of the day. I guess the joke was that if they called me Michelle it somehow made me less male.

Most people these days get my name right. The clever ones who aren't certain, and can't tell by looking at me, usually ask, "What do you go buy?" And I say, "Michael." They usually nod and make a mental note that the person before them is not a Michelle/woman, but a Michael/man. My doctor, for example, calls me Michael. She has a thick file on me and inside I assume there is a black and white outline of a person on which she has probably drawn a penis. Next to the hand drawn penis is probably a little arrow pointing from it to a note that says "Michael, not Michelle." My doctor knows I'm a man.

So imagine my surprise yesterday when my doctor told me that the answer to my allergy and sinus issues was to DOUCHE! Yes, you read that correctly. I was ordered by my doctor to "douche" my nose several times a day. And she didn't just say the word once, she said it two or three times. She didn't say to irrigate it. She did say once to rinse it. But by and large she used the word douche. I am to douche my nose with saline, which is essentially salt water.

So far I have given my nose two salt water douches and I tell you what, it isn't doing f***ing sh** for me.