Dork

It's official. I'm a dork.

Adults are wise, that is for certain. The older you get, provided you are paying even the slightest bit of attention, the wiser you become. But the kids are in the know.

What does that mean?

It means kids are the Keepers of the Knowledge of all things Dork. If someone younger than you calls you a dork, it is probably true. It can only be negated by someone else, younger or the same age as the first person telling you it isn't true.

It's ok. If someone younger than you calls you a dork it doesn't mean your world is coming to an end, unless you are still in school and that person younger than you is too big for you to pound. For adults it just means you have passed beyond the world of cool. You are now the walking uncool. Children will fear you, because your touch can potentially cause them to become uncool also. Your own children will learn to hide you from friends and to plead adoption.

Occasionally an adult will be considered cool by younger generations, like Bono, or by all generations, like David Bowie. But it's a masquerade. Bono cries like a baby for a hat that was stolen by a rabid fan and David Bowie had sex with Mick Jagger. So clearly when a person becomes an adult being cool doesn't really count for much. I mean, Mick Jagger? Of all the men David Bowie could have slept with he chose him?

Anyway, the reason for this rant is that I was the victem of a drive by dorking this evening. They didn't actually call me a dork, but they might as well have.

I was decorating my house for Halloween. I like Halloween. I have grand plans for the day I can actually afford to decorate the way I want for this holiday, but for now I have to settle for adding a bit at a time. So all I have in the way of Halloween lights are green lights. I know, Christmas is Green and Red, but who really uses green lights at Christmas? I've never seen a house decked out in just green at Christmas. I've seen red, white and even blue, but never all green. I suppose it is possible, but why should green be the property of Christmas? I think green is a perfectly Halloweeny color. I think it is creepy. I think it is cool. And besides, I don't have any purple lights yet. Ultimately I would want green and purple. As Halloween as it can be, right? I like orange, but not orange lights.

So as I was hanging my 300 lights my daughter said, "Aren't those Christmas lights?" to which I gave her the above arguements. She seemed to understand and perhaps agree with me, but a few minutes later she started singing Deck the Halls. Frustrated I said, "They aren't Christmas lights. Green is a good Halloween color."

Anyway, after the kids went in to eat dinner, and while I was still outside decorating some teenagers drove by in an SUV and yelled, "It's not Christmas!" Then they sped to the cul-de-sac and did a donut. They were going so fast that they almost tipped their car, and I was almost vindicated; what could be more dork than dorking someone and tipping your car over? That'd be divine dorking right there. But they didn't tip. Their wheels came a little bit off the ground and then landed again to make a perfect peel-out. They had turned it to cool. And they laughed as they drove off.

I just stood there knowing there was nothing I could do. If I had yelled they'd never have heard me with their car engine, loud music, and squeeling tires. I'd have just looked like some crazy old guy, and they'd have been all the more righteous. And even if they had been able to hear me I'd still have had to worry about what my neighbors might think of whatever it was I might have said. Sadly, what popped into my head the moment they said it was not at all appropriate for a family neighborhood.

They yelled, "It's not Christmas," and immediately I wanted to yell, "It's not Dick-mas either, but y'all are celebrating."

See. I'm a dork.