My Illness

Contrary to popular belief, I have not been stricken with HIV/AIDS. Nor do I have feline leukemia. There is a possibility that I had the flu, but it might have also been allergies.

I didn't realize that allergies could be as bad as the flu, but after asking around I found that, while regular allergies are not as bad as the flu, they can have symptoms similar to the flue, which is the pipe in your fireplace that allows the smoke (and most of the heat) to escape up the chimney. So if you are ever feeling like a metal tube that has been smoked over a hot flame, you may have the flue (unless, of course, you are a gay man who feels like a metal tube smoked over a hot flame... then the symptoms have totally different implications).

Take heart! The flue is not usually deadly, unless you are young, old, have a weakened immune system, are particularly unlucky or none of these. However, the symptoms can sometimes be confused with the Asian Bird Allergies or the Spanish Swine Skinrash. So, depending on which you actually have, the outcome could be much worse than death, or not quite as bad as death, or like eating a melted-but re-congealed candy bar, or like being fine. Do not let the symptoms of being fine fool you. More serious symptoms of elation and or being "just ok" are around the corner and could be followed by symptoms ranging from ennui to car-accident, which can be fatal if swallowed.

Make haste.

So you know, I am on the mend. At least, that's what my symptoms have led me to believe. And I have recently diagnosed myself with a weekend immune system. That means I feel like shit on the days when I have to go to work.

To your health!