expansion

I woke up this morning and there was a Public Notice nailed to my refrigerator.

Never mind the fact that now my fridge is leaking cold air from a nail hole when a piece of cello-tape would have sufficed...

The notice read that "at long last" the dispute over which grocery store would claim rights to my pantry had been settled. Kroger had shown, to a fair and unbiased committee of five, that it had entered its request for expansion into said territory a full twenty minutes prior to Publix. This "territory" being my kitchen pantry.

Publix has, per the notice posted through my refrigerator door, up to twenty days from the posting of the notice to appeal this decision and show good cause as to why the determination made by the committee should be reconsidered. Should Publix fail to make appeal in a timely fashion then on the 21st day after the notice posting Kroger can assume said territory by moving in and charging my household per trip to the pantry.

This notice made no mention of my rights or what action I could take to stop this "territory" from being "assumed."

I took the notice in hand and made my way to the nearest Kroger. The nearest Kroger was on the opposite side of the oak tree in my front yard. There had been two white oaks in my yard when we moved in, but after a heated battle between Kroger's lawyers and the squirrel community of my neighborhood, it was determined, by a fair and unbiased committee, that the second white oak tree was redundant. The tree was removed and "replanted at a nice farm in the northern part of the state." Incidentally, I visited that farm last summer and my white oak had magically become a scraggly pine tree.

At the Kroger I presented the notice to the manager, named Joe, who informed me that I had removed an official legal notice and that he was duty bound to call the sheriff's department. However, he said, if I made a copy - using his copy machine for just $2.00 a copy - and replaced the notice, he would look the other way just this once.

When I returned with the photocopied notice Manager Joe claimed ignorance of the notice and indeed claimed not to even know what a public notice was, though he had earlier told me that I had broken laws in removing it. I asked if he had any knowledge of Kroger's intentions to move into my pantry and he said that he was "not at liberty to discuss the expansion prerogatives of Corporate." Finally I asked Joe if he knew what Kroger planned on doing with my pantry when I already had a Kroger in my front yard and two other stores in my back yard.

Joe assured me that Kroger's move into "the" pantry would be a benefit to everyone. Kroger would restock the shelves of "the" pantry - for he would not allow me to call it "mine" - every morning. I would pay Kroger for the replaced goods, at only slightly elevated costs, and in return I would get fresh goods. "Kroger would," Joe mumbled quickly, "Reserve the right to charge fees for: the removal of unused or spoiled product, for maintenance on the pantry door, for the merchandising and display of product, for advertising, for the removal of non-Kroger products and for the inclusion of non-promotional goods in the pantry. Appearance of slightly elevated prices would likely, but not certainly, be due to fluctuating labor costs. Kroger could but probably would not enter other territories of the house unless it deemed such expansion necessary to fair competition and survival of the store."

I stared for a moment at Manager Joe. "How can I stop this from happening?" I finally asked.

"You can't stop this from happening," he replied. "You missed your chance to vote at the house meeting on 4-15-09."

"Where was the meeting?"

"In your living room, where all house meetings are conducted."

"Wait, 4-15-09? We were on vacation then."

"That's not our fault. The meeting was held. A vote was taken. Due process was given. The committee determined that by rights of imminent domain, your kitchen pantry was open for commercial expansion and development."

So I left the Kroger frustrated and decided that I might have better luck with the opposition. Publix is in my back yard.

"I see you have Public Notice 1804.b" the manager said as I entered the Publix. "My name is Bob."

"Michael," I said. "I live in the house."

"Yes, we know," he said. "I was really disappointed that we missed out on that expansion. I would have submitted my paperwork on time, but my fax machine jammed that day and well, that twenty minutes was all it took for Kroger to win the rights. It's a real shame too. I had to lay off two staff members for loss of that territory."

I was bemused and befuddled. "Then you aren't planning on appealing the determination?"

"No," Bob said, "We don't have the budget for it. Besides, we have our eye on your coffee table. I've already submitted the paperwork to the planning and zoning committee. If I get that space then I can supply your living room with dry foods and perhaps some appetizers."

"I can't have food lying around," I said. "It will rot."

"Oh, don't worry about that. We can remove any rotten or unused food. For a fee, of course."

"But I have cats."

"Oh, that's great. I can supply you with cat foods and products. Not to mention deodorants. That's good, I need to write that down."

"But my cats only eat prescription diet food."

"We don't carry that. But I might be able to order it for you for an additional cost."

"I don't want you in my living room!" I yelled.

"Oh," Bob said, sounding hurt. "I see. Well, then. I guess you'll have to take that up with the planning and zoning committee. I haven't scheduled the meeting yet. When is your next vacation?"