oops

I was reticent to post this to the blog because frankly I was embarrassed by it. But after mentioning it to several of my friends I found that I am not the only one to have made such a mistake.

It happened last Thursday. I woke up downed a glass of water with my daily vitamin. i don't usually drink the whole glass, but I was feeling exceptionally thirsty that morning. Then I filled my travel mug with coffee and set out for the bus stop.

When I got to the bus stop I had finished my coffee. I don't like having extra things to worry about on the bus.

About halfway to my destination I started feeling the pangs of needing to pee. Sadly, I still had 20 minutes left before the bus stopped in Atlanta. I started tapping my foot.

About a minute into tapping my foot I realized that I was tapping on the back of the seat in front of me and that this was probably annoying the passenger in that seat. So I started tapping the floor instead.

I started to text my friend, looking for any kind of distraction from my very real need to pee.

I was very concerned that I was going lose control and pee all over myself.

What do you do when that happens? Do I call my boss and say, "Sorry, I can't come in to work today because I pissed all over myself?"

I certainly can't go into work stinking of urine. Who wouldn't notice that?

The real issue, though, would be getting back home. The bus doesn't run the opposite way. And besides, I was on the last one. The buses wouldn't start up again until 3:30pm. But before I could even worry about that I'd have to actually make it to my stop.

When I finally made it to the bus stop I was in pain. On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the point at which you can no longer hold it and the pee breaks through, I was at a 9.5. And my back was killing me. When I stood up to get off the bus I couldn't stand up straight. It hurt way too badly.

So slightly hunched over I waddled down to the crosswalk and waiting in pain for the "WALK" signal. Then I waddled into the mall and to the bathroom.

Now, I've never used this bathroom. I've never even looked over at it. This was my first time. So when I entered the men's room it did seem odd that there were no urinals. Urinals are easier to clean. You can put more of them in the bathroom than regular toilets. And they use less water. But who knows, I thought, perhaps there was a good reason for the lack of urinals. I didn't care. I was in such pain these details did not matter to me.

So I waddled into the second stall. The first stall was occupied by some guy going 2. Finally, with great relief, I let go of all of that liquid baggage. In my defense I made none of the much deserved groans of relief. I didn't sigh or say, "Oh mama that's more like it." That's not really my thing. But there is no way to fully disguise the very unique sounds of a man peeing into a toilet.

Then I heard a woman's voice. "That," I thought to myself, "Is not something that I should hear in a men's room."

I distinctly heard, "Oh my god."

I thought for a second that the guy in the stall next to me might have been talking on the phone, and that perhaps the person on the other end of the phone had been aghast at something he had said and so had uttered, "Oh my god." But if that was the case, why had I not heard the man talking?

Then I looked up to see if there were any loud speakers. Perhaps the mall was piping in some morning radio show and I had just become aware of it. There was nothing.

Slowly... far too slowly, I started putting two and two together. No urinals. A lady's voice. It said, "oh my god" shortly after the sound of me peeing filled the bathroom.

I stopped what I was doing, being not fully relieved, but now significantly concerned about what could be a very big mistake. I zipped and was out of the bathroom in seconds. As I quickly walked away I noted that in the mall the ladies room is on the right and the men's is on the left. That's good information to have.

I was exceptionally fortunate in that the ladies room was empty, save for the one woman who never saw me, and that no one saw me enter or exit. Let's just hope that the security guard at the other end of the video camera was too busy eating his Cheerios to take note of the dude exiting the women's room.