Hot Babes.

Hot babes never come around here anymore. And by hot babes I mean ANY BABES. Because on the Internet all babes are hot.

I don't know what has caused the slow down in babeage. I'm still as Internet awesome as I always was. Still, the babes have made themselves scarce.

I did a quick Google search on spells to increase desireability (of said hot babes for me/my blog), but it wasn't exactly what I was looking for. One website, which touted itself as a "love spell and voodoo" website had advertisements for "oils and lotions." It also had a weight loss spell and a potion spell for benzoil peroxide; the active ingredient in many an acne cream. Then I found a link on the voodoo magic website to a "real voodoo magic" website. That kinda summed it all up for me. When you run a voodoo site and have a link to a "real voodoo site" it kinda screws up your street cred. I tried to find a link to the "real love spells" website but there was none.

I thought about going to the "real voodoo magic" site, but just before I left clicked my guardian angel appeared unto me and reminded me that I already had two strikes against me. So I had my secretary go to the site and I looked over her shoulder. Lame. Everything required butchering a chicken. I can't butcher a chicken. If I had those kinds of skills I'd have a better job. And if I had a better job I'd probably have more money and thus I would attract more women.

Anyway, right as I was about to learn the proper incantation to attract "numerous babe suitors" my gardian angel showed up again with some kind of little deamon and a Divine Property Transfer form, #106. Apparently there is a lot of paperwork in afterlife. So I said, "It wasn't me. She was looking at the site." And my angel said, "Yeah, but you asked her too. You led her down that path." Then my secretary jumped to my aid and said, "I was totally gonna look at this website later anyway."

Then, of course, her guardian angel popped up and told her that she also has two strikes and that this would be her third. She also had a little red imp and a DPT-106. Then my secretary said, "He made me do it!"

Nice. I can't really blame her, but nice.

Luckily my guardian angel and her guardian angel had a history. A fire flashed in my angel's eyes. He said, "Claire! Bringer of ugliness and fake boobs!"

Then Claire said, "Fake boobs! I'm an angel. My boobs are totally real and divine!"
*author's note: they were very, very nice boobies.

"And my name is Claire, Bringer of the Rain Clouds," she said.

"Yeah," my angel said, "But they're chubby clouds."

That's when Claire socked my guy in the nose. The little imps at this point had sidled up to each other and were placing bets on who would get what soul and who would win this fight.

My angel got up from the ground holding his bleeding nose. "Your little hussy was trying to tempt my charge to the dark side."

"Like Hell," Claire said. "That evil little bastard was clearly coercing my innocent lamb."

My angel froze for a moment. It was clear he wasn't quick with the retort. "You are lousy in bed!" he shouted. At that point Claire grew two extra arms to better beat the holy crap out of my angel. I didn't stick around to watch, though. I had work to do.

Back at my office I looked up a few more voodoo sites. I figured my angel was tied up for a while and I had some free time. They all sucked. It was just common dating knowledge mixed in with killing chickens.

For Example:
To better entice the ladies try these five fool proof steps.

1. Talk to some ladies (and slaughter a chicken).

2. Use the lady's correct name (and rub chicken blood on her face).

3. Do not fall asleep, or say, "Oh my God, you are so stupid," while the lady is talking (and debone the chicken).

4. Flash a lot of money (and throw the leg bones on the floor, if they land in an X then she is not the girl for you, any other formation and there is a 50/50 chance).

5. Smile (and if the leg bones landed in an X then ask the lady for some sex; after all you have nothing to lose. If the leg bones did not land in an X then ask the lady for sex 'PLEASE.' It sounds a little desperate, but if you flashed enough money it just might work).

See, common sense.

So, ladies... I mean, Ms. Ladies, have I mentioned that I have a lot of cash? :)
(have sex with me (please))