Curse

I think there is a curse on me. It isn't a very big curse. In fact, I can hardly think of why someone would waste the effort. But it is real and frustrating.

I am unable to complete the Silmarillion by J.R.R.Tolkien. I have attempted to read it a hundred times and I can never get past the part about good verses evil. Just kidding. It's all about good verses evil. But there is a part in the middle of the beginning, towards the beginning of the end of the beginning, but not so far as the beginning of the middle, that always boggs down on my brain and I shut down.

This past week I actually endeavored to defeat this book. I skipped straight to the middle, forsaking everything that the beginning held that I might not have read in all of my earlier attempts, and made a reading bee line for the end (or at least the middle of the middle). But I did not make it two pages before I realized that I had forgotten something integral in the beginning. I couldn't remember what the difference between Arda and Earth was and how they related to Ea (Arda is Earth, turns out, and Ea is the universe).

So, I had to skip back to the beginning. I opened up to somewhere in the middle of the beginning. But that part didn't give the answers I needed, so I skipped back further. I wound up reading the entire beginning of the beginning and pressing on into the middle of the beginning. I had found the answer to the aforementioned question that I sought, but for some reason I pressed on. And somewhere near the end of the middle of the beginning... or perhaps it was the beginning of the end of the beginning... I became disenchanted and sleepy and I closed the book.

I say disenchanted, but, as I have previously pointed out, I believe I was actually enchanted. This is clearly the work of a spell that someone has cast on me to prevent me from finishing this famous and seminal work.

But the joke is on you, foul enchantress, for the law of three fold return dictates that you will not be able to finish three books. HA! I hope it was worth it!

If I have any say in what books you will never finish it is these:

1. The Monster at the End of this Book.

Neither the Elmo, nor the Grover versions will you be able to complete! You will never know what horror lurks on the last page! Ha!

2. The novelization of the movie 6th Sense.

What is wrong with the kid in this book? Why can't Bruce Willis help him? What's going on with all of these ghosts? YOU'LL NEVER KNOW!

3. Influential and Braless Women of the Earth and Their Influence on American Society and the Emancipation of the Mind and the Vagina through the Art of Poetry, Bead Making and Tofu.

Here I sorta stepped out on a stereotypical limb. Since you have clearly put a spell on me I assume that you are a witch. That means you are likely a woman. It also means you probably don't wear a bra or shave your arm pits. These are lifestyle choices, and I don't look down on you for these gross and/or hot practices. I am also hoping that you are about college age and that in whatever women's studies course you are obviously in, this book is required reading. All of your friends and coven partners will be so disappointed when you fail this course. Were you planning on selling those beaded necklaces at the renaissance festival? Well, you'll never learn how to apply the clasp.

How's that for a bitter slice of karma pie!

Or you could just release me from this spell so I can finish this damn book!