Dear [adult swim],
I work pretty well under pressure. That's always a plus.
I went to a high level meeting the other day to discuss some new security devices that our company was considering for purchase. My boss was supposed to go, but at the last minute he informed me that I would be going.
"Michael," he said, "You need to go to this security meeting on floor ten."
"Ok," I said. "Are you going?"
"Why should I waste my time when I have plenty of yours I can waste?" Then there was a pause and my instincts screamed to run. But my feet failed. "Oh, and the Commissioner wants me to write a report about the meeting, so you'll need to do that too."
The meeting turned out to be pretty interesting. I thought it was going to be about computer network security, but it was about actual physical security of the department's field service offices. They had all kinds of neat laser monitors and retinal scans that seemed pretty accurate. Some guy named Dick Jones was leading the proceedings. He was very good about letting us play with the products. Then things took a turn for the worse.
"Ok," he said, "Now I want to introduce you guys to our top of the line security guard, Eddie. Who's next on the attendance roster?" He looked over the roster a bit and hummed a fake tune. "Ah ha, where is Bill?"
I tenatively raised my hand. "Bill is my boss. He's not here."
"Ok then," he said, "You'll be Bill. You look like a low rung."
"Pardon?" I said.
"Here," he said and handed me a very real looking and very heavy gun. Then he pulled the crimson sheet off of a giant menacing robot. "This is Eddie; our secuirty unit ED-209. Ok, Bill, point the gun at me."
I really didn't want to do this. The whole scene started to feel vaguely familiar. But there were a lot of people staring at me, and at this poing I kinda did want to shoot Dick. So I pointed the gun.
Immediately ED-209 came to life. "YOU ARE IN VIOLATION OF THE LAW. PUT YOUR WEAPON DOWN. YOU HAVE TEN SECONDS TO COMPLY."
I looked over to Mr. Jones. "I'd do as he says," he said, so I quickly tossed the gun down.
"YOU ARE IN VIOLATION OF THE LAW. PUT YOUR WEAPON DOWN. YOU HAVE FIVE SECONDS TO COMPLY."
"WHAT??????" I yelled.
"FOUR - THREE - TWO - ONE..." Yet again my instincts screamed to run, but my feet failed me. After the count of one a huge and horrible noise erupted from the ED-209. A tiny bit of pee escaped, I confess, but nothing else happened.
"Well," Dick said with a humorous chuckle, "It's a good thing we didn't give Eddie any ammunition."
I know the look on my face must have been horrible, but if the ED-209 had had a face it would have looked determined. "YOU ARE IN VIOLATION OF THE LAW. PUT YOUR WEAPON DOWN."
This time I actually tried to run, but the ED-209 was fast. Before I got two feet he grabbed my arm in one of his claws. Then he pushed a lady out of her seat and bent me over the back of it. Then he started thrusting against my... Well, let's just say it felt like an episode of Oz. "HOW DOES THAT FEEL, BITCH. NOW PUT YOUR WEAPON DOWN."
After a few seconds he stopped thrusting. "I guess it's also a good thing," Dick said, "That we haven't yet equipped him with his giant stainless steal phallus."
"Why would you give him one of those?" I asked sincerely.
"YOU ARE IN VIOLATION OF THE LAW..."
"NO, I'M NOT!"
"PUT YOUR WEAPON DOWN."
"I don't have a..." I almost finished when ED-209 picked me up and threw me into the window. I smashed into the window and then bounced back and crashed to the floor. I could hear ED-209's disappointment.
"PUT YOUR WEAPON DOWN," it said again and picked me up then threw me into the window three more times.
"I guess," the Commissioner said, "It's a good thing I had those Plexiglas windows installed."
"ED-209!" a smallish, female, oriental voice said from the doorway, "You ah guiwty of moh-lesting the innocent. Pre-pehu for demolition."
"BRING IT ON YOSHIMI!"
I may have been concussed and hallucinating at that point, but I think that Eddie did a Judo stance. Then the oriental lady did a flip over the table and landed a convincing VENOMOUS SNAKE strike to ED-209's power button, and he shut off.
Before I blacked out the Commissioner leaned over and whispered in my ear, "I better not see a worker's comp claim for anything that has happened here."
Rumor has it we purchased 10 ED-209s for our metro area locations.
Michael
May 1, 2007
Ps. When I woke up three hours later I went right back to work. Call it ethics... whatever.
I work pretty well under pressure. That's always a plus.
I went to a high level meeting the other day to discuss some new security devices that our company was considering for purchase. My boss was supposed to go, but at the last minute he informed me that I would be going.
"Michael," he said, "You need to go to this security meeting on floor ten."
"Ok," I said. "Are you going?"
"Why should I waste my time when I have plenty of yours I can waste?" Then there was a pause and my instincts screamed to run. But my feet failed. "Oh, and the Commissioner wants me to write a report about the meeting, so you'll need to do that too."
The meeting turned out to be pretty interesting. I thought it was going to be about computer network security, but it was about actual physical security of the department's field service offices. They had all kinds of neat laser monitors and retinal scans that seemed pretty accurate. Some guy named Dick Jones was leading the proceedings. He was very good about letting us play with the products. Then things took a turn for the worse.
"Ok," he said, "Now I want to introduce you guys to our top of the line security guard, Eddie. Who's next on the attendance roster?" He looked over the roster a bit and hummed a fake tune. "Ah ha, where is Bill?"
I tenatively raised my hand. "Bill is my boss. He's not here."
"Ok then," he said, "You'll be Bill. You look like a low rung."
"Pardon?" I said.
"Here," he said and handed me a very real looking and very heavy gun. Then he pulled the crimson sheet off of a giant menacing robot. "This is Eddie; our secuirty unit ED-209. Ok, Bill, point the gun at me."
I really didn't want to do this. The whole scene started to feel vaguely familiar. But there were a lot of people staring at me, and at this poing I kinda did want to shoot Dick. So I pointed the gun.
Immediately ED-209 came to life. "YOU ARE IN VIOLATION OF THE LAW. PUT YOUR WEAPON DOWN. YOU HAVE TEN SECONDS TO COMPLY."
I looked over to Mr. Jones. "I'd do as he says," he said, so I quickly tossed the gun down.
"YOU ARE IN VIOLATION OF THE LAW. PUT YOUR WEAPON DOWN. YOU HAVE FIVE SECONDS TO COMPLY."
"WHAT??????" I yelled.
"FOUR - THREE - TWO - ONE..." Yet again my instincts screamed to run, but my feet failed me. After the count of one a huge and horrible noise erupted from the ED-209. A tiny bit of pee escaped, I confess, but nothing else happened.
"Well," Dick said with a humorous chuckle, "It's a good thing we didn't give Eddie any ammunition."
I know the look on my face must have been horrible, but if the ED-209 had had a face it would have looked determined. "YOU ARE IN VIOLATION OF THE LAW. PUT YOUR WEAPON DOWN."
This time I actually tried to run, but the ED-209 was fast. Before I got two feet he grabbed my arm in one of his claws. Then he pushed a lady out of her seat and bent me over the back of it. Then he started thrusting against my... Well, let's just say it felt like an episode of Oz. "HOW DOES THAT FEEL, BITCH. NOW PUT YOUR WEAPON DOWN."
After a few seconds he stopped thrusting. "I guess it's also a good thing," Dick said, "That we haven't yet equipped him with his giant stainless steal phallus."
"Why would you give him one of those?" I asked sincerely.
"YOU ARE IN VIOLATION OF THE LAW..."
"NO, I'M NOT!"
"PUT YOUR WEAPON DOWN."
"I don't have a..." I almost finished when ED-209 picked me up and threw me into the window. I smashed into the window and then bounced back and crashed to the floor. I could hear ED-209's disappointment.
"PUT YOUR WEAPON DOWN," it said again and picked me up then threw me into the window three more times.
"I guess," the Commissioner said, "It's a good thing I had those Plexiglas windows installed."
"ED-209!" a smallish, female, oriental voice said from the doorway, "You ah guiwty of moh-lesting the innocent. Pre-pehu for demolition."
"BRING IT ON YOSHIMI!"
I may have been concussed and hallucinating at that point, but I think that Eddie did a Judo stance. Then the oriental lady did a flip over the table and landed a convincing VENOMOUS SNAKE strike to ED-209's power button, and he shut off.
Before I blacked out the Commissioner leaned over and whispered in my ear, "I better not see a worker's comp claim for anything that has happened here."
Rumor has it we purchased 10 ED-209s for our metro area locations.
Michael
May 1, 2007
Ps. When I woke up three hours later I went right back to work. Call it ethics... whatever.
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