How I Write (Letter 25)

I have several different methods for writing, but one of them is to take a piece of something that is true and use it as a base for a story. I take that kernal of information or truth or conventional wisdom and then I basically ignore it. From there the story writes itself. Now you can be an undiscovered world class writer like me.

A couple of months ago I heard about a study that found that if you have eggs for breakfast you are more likely to feel replete throughout the day. In other words, you will be less likely to want to snack. This information is primarily for people who struggle with their weight because they can't stop snacking. People like Americans. Anyway, that was my kernal of truth for Letter 25.

Take note of the awesome self promotion.

LETTER 25:

Dear [adult swim],

There is an ancient proverb that says: Eat eggs for breakfast and eggs for lunch and the afternoon staff meeting will stink. I live my life by these words.

I was looking through the Book of Runes, Spells, and Michaels, which categorizes all of the runes, spells, and Michaels throughout history, placing them in order of their importance to the human race, as determined by the Order of the Druid when they wrote and enchanted the book 2600 years ago, and I noticed a new entry; My-Khal Xergliburp. Apparently he is from another solar system in our galaxy, but his name is sufficiently close to Michael, so he made the list. Anyway, he too is a wannabe writer in a dead-end job for the government. And like me he is trying to land a job with his favorite entertainment group by sending them letters.

There are some differences though. I develop business rules for department programs on a daily basis, whereas My-Khal peels the flesh off of his master's enemies. And where my entry reads that I have two kids and a wife with a boyfriend, his reads that he ate a pie. I'm not sure what kind of pie it was, but it must have been pretty special. Aside from the flesh peeling and eating of that pie My-Khal has done nothing and the book still shows that he has made more of a contribution to the human race than I have.

I am three places above Michaels Arts and Crafts, two places above Ned Needlander, a fictional character whose middle name was apparently Michael, and one place above the rune that means Butthole. It may not be obvious, but most Michaels consider this a place of honor. I am just below My-Khal, Michael the waste Jones, a gospel singer who was struck dumb by the Lord while singing on the 700 Club because, as the Lord's voice attested, he was just god-awful, and Michael XXXXX, who apparently shares my name, is my age, has a wife and two children, and works for the government in Florida, but is just slightly better for the human race that me.

I'm not a very competitive guy, but if I had a job as a writer for you, I feel certain I could move up past Michael the waste Jones, and maybe even the other Michael XXXXX. Think about it.

signed


Ad:
Michael XXXXX
He's got some stuff that you wish you had.