Santa Wishes

Did you make your list for Santa yet? If you send your wishes to Santa, and you are good, he'll give you what you want.

I've never made a wish list for him because I know he won't give me anything. He told me a long time ago that I was bad and he'd never give me what I wanted. I was in fifth grade and it happened at school. Santa came walking into my class. He looked a lot like my teacher, and I thought he had boobs, but he was wearing red and had a beard so I knew it was him. Everyone got to sit on Santa's lap. Some boys got to sit longer than others. Anyway, I went to sit on his lap and he said, "Forget it, fat boy. You are a bad student and your heart is dead. You will never get anything out of me. Ass." The "ass" part was just cold.

I cried a lot. One of my friends tried to comfort me, but it was no use. I knew that life would suck from then on. That's actually how I learned that my parents didn't believe in Santa - because I got presents that year. Santa had cut me off, that part was clear. So the giant, bounteous haul I got that year must have come from my heathen parents and their non-believing ways. That's when I started peeing on their pillows once a week or so.

Shortly after that my dad gave away our dog to a farm in upstate Georgia. He said that the police had discovered Scruffy's true owners and that he didn't have a choice but to give him away. I remember it like it was yesterday because I had to help dad plant a really large tree seed in the back yard pretty deep. I think we planted it too deep because that tree never grew.

Dad was pretty upset, later, when the pillows continued to smell like pee. He went out and bought new pillows. And when those smelled like pee a week later we moved to a new house. He kept saying he was haunted by Scruffy's ghost. I told him that it was impossible because Scruffy was in a farm in upstate Georgia. He stuttered that I was right and he laughed a humorless laugh. But he grew increasingly paranoid and jerky. Over time he quit shaving, gained a lot of weight and grew out his beard. Eventually his hair turned white. Now he looks exactly like my fifth grade teacher.