Conflicted (Letter 2)

This whole blog idea is really leaving me rather conflicted. On the one hand I am doing this for posterity. So if the Plan works others will see a good creative way to get a job in writing. If the Plan fails others will see a good creative way to waste some time.

On the other hand, I am doing this, to a degree at least, to entertain; to be funny and to make you laugh. Afterall, if I am the writer I claim to be ought I not be able to tell you what that I have done in a way that is entertaining? Well I certain ought, but I'm afraid I have not.

I have been funny a time or two, but by and large I have been fairly dull. Here I will apologize and content myself on three things: 1. That the beginning of this blog was primarily background and introduction, and that humor may well have distracted from the message; so it's not like I couldn't have been funny had I really wanted to. 2. That nobody is really reading this blog anyway, so I don't get a flying poo if it's funny. And 3. I'm too damn lazy to go back and rewrite any of this crap.

Sadly, 1 and 2 aren't really all that true. However, 3 is so overwhelmingly true that it negates 1 and 2, and any potential 4 and 5 I may think of later.

Well, now I must come to my senses and realize that complaining about how boring my site has been to date is even more boring and fails at fixing anything. Thus, I will shut up now and present the second letter.

LETTER 2:

Dear [adult swim],

After I wrote you yesterday I started to worry that you might have misunderstood what I meant when I said, "You guys need me to write for you." I didn't mean to imply that [adult swim] needed me in order to survive; like food or air. I meant that you need me like you need beer or pizza. You can survive without them, but would you want to?

I know that beer and pizza are fattening, but so is chocolate and you never hear people talking bad about that. Well, you do, but they are still far more critical of beer and pizza. Anyway, if you are worried about my weight I will gladly shave my back. I won't shave my face though. That's what draws the ladies.

Ok, I have to admit that I just got carried away and I lied a little bit. There are no ladies being drawn into the vortex of me. This is mostly due to the copious amounts of back hair. I've been thinking of seeing one of those professional shaving therapists about it. You know the ones who are supposed to be able to tell you your personality disorders based on the way you shave. I saw a cheap version of one in college. She kept telling me my razor burn revealed a sincere self loathing, and my goatee was an obvious attempt at hiding my lack of ambition and motivation. She also told me I was ugly. I wasn't certain enough to confront her on it, but I didn't think that ugly was a personality disorder.

I don't really like to fish. When we win the lottery my friend wants us to buy neighboring mansions and put a pond in between them so we can fish together. That's not really "need to know" information, but I'm writing in pen so I'm kinda screwed for getting rid of it.

I might be fattening, hairy, self loathing, unmotivated, and ugly, but soon you will see that I can write.

signed