Letter 6

Before I get started with today's letter I needed to vent. I am frustrated and angry, mostly with myself. See, I like to write with a certain kind of pen. It is a pilot gel writer with fine tip. But apparently these damn pens don't like me because every time I turn around they've disappeared.

I have suspected my colleagues before. I can recall one time in particular, when I was in another office, and my pen went missing. Then, lo and behold, two days later I saw it on my supervisor's desk. I couldn't exactly say, "Give me my pen back you thief," but I wanted to.

So now I'm completely out of pilot pens which means I'm down to my...
Dammit! I just went to see what pens I had left and there are none! All of my pens are gone except my red ones. I can't write these letters in red. ...Sometimes there are not cuss words strong enough.

LETTER 6:

Dear [adult swim],

It was terribly hard to get up this morning. I had a headache, my eyes hurt, and my mouth tasted like wool. and I had this recurring thought that I needed to find a way to make vampire elephants funny. It must have been from a dream I had in my sleep, but I couldn't remember it.

My carpool wasn't going into Atlanta today so I had to take the Gwinnett bus. In the mornings the driver waits for the bus to fill up before he heads out. This can take some time. It makes it hard to stay awake.

In case you didn't know, I'm just your average elephant. And like every elephant I go to elephant clubs on the weekends to drink and have a good time. How I wound up in a Goth club I don't know, but everyone there looked like an elephant vampire. So when she smiled a fangy smile and said, "Do you want to know the love of a real vampire?" I didn't think anything of it.

"Sure," I said, "But let's have a beer first."
"I only drink blood," she said.
"Right," I said and dipped my trunk into my tankard of beer, then sprayed it into my mouth. "So, you read Anne Rice?"

Her beautiful, dark gray skin instantly turned red as she grabbed me by the collar. "I'm a REAL vampire elephant," she said and threw me across the bar. I landed on a table which immediately collapsed under my weight. I was in real trouble. I could see her slinking over to me, baring her fangs.

Suddenly something came crashing through one of the windows. A dark shadow of an elephant rose from the floor. "Lilith," the gravelly voice said, "Your killin' days are over."
"Well, well, Elephant Wolverine," she said calmly, "I will suck that healing factor out of your bones."
"I'll believe it," he said as the blades shout out of his hands, "When I see it."

The two began to fight violently as the music in the background changed from the Cure's "Boys Don't Cry," to Trace Adkins' "Honkytonk Badonkadonk." It was an odd choice for an elephant Goth bar.

I woke up with a start on I-85, as the bus passed William Street. I wiped away the drool and realized there was something in my ear. I reached up and pulled out an ear piece. Slowly I looked over and saw a worse nightmare than the one I had just awakened from. Her lipstick missed her lips by at least an inch. Half her hair was done, the other half was beyond fixing. Her eyes were crusty and uneven, and only one of them had make up on it. "I found this I-pod in the sewer yesterday," she said with breath that smelled like horseradish. "I thought it was only polite to share."

I got off at the next stop. It wasn't my stop and it took me forty minutes to walk to work, but I was seconds away from a full fledged panic attack.

signed

Ps. Can you get herpes in your ear?
Pps. Vampire elephants are funny all on their own.