Letter 12

So I went out and purchased some more pens. Then I dutifully left them at home sitting on my kitchen counter where they will do absolutely no good to me. Chances are very good that one of my cats will thing the package is a toy and he will bat it off the counter. Then it will get batted around the slick floor until it slips under the refrigerator or the oven, and I'll never see it again.

Incidentally, at the bottom of this letter I did not have a piece of clip art. I drew a horrible little picture of the Fellowship of the Ring, minus Boromir and the nonessential hobbits. They were each listed according to his hight. I had Gandalf, Aragorn, a dollar sign, Legolas, Gimli, Frodo, my son, and finally Tom Cruise, who is saying, "Scientology Rules!"

In case you don't know this already, scientology doesn't rule.


LETTER 12:

Dear [adult swim],

I don't think it's fair that stilts have fallen out of fashion in business. Once upon a time a short man could don his stilts to gain an edge. He could throw a poster over his shoulder and hit the streets for a day of successful advertising on stilts. Or, if he wanted to appear imposing in a conference, he need only strap on his leg extensions, and make sure his pants were long enough to conceal his secret.

Now stilt wearers are quickly identified and ostracized. If you are found to be wearing stilts you are told to remove them or leave. As a man who is short by today's standards, 5'7", I wanted to know why the stilt was so frowned upon in business.

It bears mentioning, first of all, that most movers and shakers in business are tall. Sure Napoleon and Tom Cruise are both short, 5'1" and 4'7" respectively, but they were world leaders, not business leaders. It takes a certain maniacal fervor to lead the world; a rabid intensity that many tall folk don't have. But business isn't that way. There are no special qualifications in business, except it would seem, being tall. And in these troubled times stilts cannot make the difference.

I went to the bank yesterday to get a loan for my business. Naturally, I was wearing my three foot stilts. Somehow the security guard sensed that I had them on and he made me remove them. Then I was denied my loan because I had "atrocious credit and a horrible business plan," which is really just code for: you are short. After I left, Donald Trump, who is really quite tall, entered the bank and was given a hundred million dollar loan for a business venture that could not have been any different from mine.

The proof is irrefutable. The only thing we can do to stop this discrimination is to make stilts popular again. That or make being tall a crime. Either one will suffice as far as I'm concerned.

signed

Ps. I know that Napoleon and Tom Cruise are dead, but I couldn't think of any current world leaders of significance.

Pps. A good short writer could help [adult swim] take over the world.