Honey-Lemon

Ok, so I have really bad allergies. If it grows in dirt I am allergic to it. Grass especially. So whenever I mow the yard I take care of my lungs by wearing a mask, right?

Well, no, because you see the mask has been bothering me lately because it gets really hot under there and it makes it hard to breathe and I keep having to stop and rest and catch my breath. But I can't just stop anywhere because there is cut grass at my feet, and now floating in the air. So I have to walk ten or fifteen feet away, remove the mask and catch my breath.

So I said forget it, and I mowed the yard without my mask.

Now I suffer. I have nasal drip deluxe and my throat is killing me. My lungs feel like I inhaled pure cotton.

I took a Claratin..... nothing.
I took a Sudafed..... nothing.
So then I got a package of Honey-Lemon flavored Halls. Now these aren't flavored to taste like Honey, or Lemon. They can't be. That would mean that every flavor creator and tester in the Halls Corporation is a big, fat, freeloading moron with no sense of taste. No, I figured it out. They are not supposed to be Honey-Lemon flavored. In fact, I think they just shortened the name. It used to be called "Honey-you-are-stupid-if-you-think-this-tastes-like-Lemon." Only the people in Packaging said it was too long and needed to be reduced to fit on the wrapper. Then the people in the Flavor Department said, "Ok, we'll go back to the original name: Shit and Gravel." But the people in Marketing said, "No. How about Honey-Lemon?" And the people in the Flavor Department said, "Where did you get that idea. It tastes nothing like Honey or Lemon. How about Paper and Bird Flu?" And the people in Marketing said, "Honey and Lemon it is."

So now I have to suffer eating Rock-Paper-Scissors flavored Halls because I was too dim to question whether a flavor as subtle as Honey can even be tasted through Menthol and Eucalyptis. The answer is NO! Nothing can be tasted through those. Either suck it up and eat your menthol candy or suck it up and let the rivers of snot flow freely.

None of this would be necessary if I were made of wood. I wish I were made of wood instead of weak flesh. I want to be Tree Beard from Lord of the Rings. I could walk around the wood and not worry about ticks. And my friends could climb up on me and I could carry them to a movie, or to dinner, or to anywhere really. And I could throw rocks really far. And I wouldn't have allergies.

Only with my luck I would still have allergies. I'd be allergic to plants, just like I am now, except I'd be a plant and I'd be allergic to myself. And I'd sneeze and get all snotty. I'd be the worlds first snot tree.

Still drop dead beautiful, but snotty and gross at the same time.