My Big Back Yard

I mowed my yard again this weekend. I know that the last thing you folks want to hear about is my boring day in my yard, but I want to be a writer, and you have to write what you know, right?

Anyway, I'm mowing my huge back yard when...

Let me interrupt myself with a point here. When I first saw this house and learned that I could pseudo afford it, I thought that the huge yard was such a plus. I actually felt like I was getting away with a steal. Now I'm not so sure. The yard is steep, about 20% grade, and just plain huge. It's about half an acre of grass that I have to mow. And while half the time I am mowing downhill, the other half I am mowing up hill. It's absolute hell. I used to like mowing the yard. Now I believe that the couple that owned this house did not get a divorce like they said. No, they just made up the divorce story to have an answer when people like me ask, "So why are you moving from such a nice home?" They can say, "We got a divorce," instead of, "We hate the huge hill-yard. We can never agree on whose turn it is to mow," because who would want to buy a house that is such a physical burden. Actually, they may have really gotten a divorce, but it was the yard that caused it.

They also made up the divorce lie because of what I found this weekend as I mowed.

Anyway, I'm mowing my huge back yard when I mow over a hole. Not a pit in the ground, a hole. I could not see the bottom. It was a pretty big hole, too, about 8 inches wide. I made a mental note of where it was and told myself I needed to fill it in. About fifteen minutes later I mowed over another hole, then another. I started to worry. It could be nothing, but then it could be...

I ran over a couple of ant hills and the holes left my mind for a moment. About another fifteen minutes passed and I ran over two more holes. Then I came upon the proof: a pile of about fourteen or fifteen marble sized poo pellets. You are probably thinking, 'holes in the yard, poo pellets... it can only be rabbits." Well you're wrong! I have Demons, there's no other explanation. If it was just one hole I might agree with you, but I had five. Five holes, and when I marked them all my suspicions were confirmed; they were laid out in a pentagram pattern.

Five holes in a star formation and demon scat. It all makes sense now. I don't have allergies or a virus. I have a demon. I went upstair, into the attic, where my wife's old secret books and artifacts are kept, and I read up on Sinus Demons. There were some special incantations, a few herbal remedies, even a dance that is supposed to be performed naked, in the moonlight, with at least 7 homely women. The book actually said they were supposed to be homely. But the last bit of advice seemed the best. Suggestion 8 for getting rid of Sinus Demons: Blow Your Nose.

Now, I am not a blower. Typically I am a sniffer and a wiper. I don't like to blow much. But how could I refute such wisdom. So I went into the bathroom, got a kleenex and blew. Nothing. So I took a deep, deeeeeeeep breath, and I blew the the hardest blow I could blow. And when I was done, sure as could be, there was a giant yellow demon in my hands.

He was drippy.

"Well?" he said.
"Well, what?" I said.
"Well, why did you wake me?"
"I didn't mean to wake you," I said, "I just wanted you out of my nose."
"Why? That's my home."
"Well it's my nose. And I want you out."
"Well I'm out now, ain't I!"
"Will you stay out?" I asked.
"Maybe," he said. "Anybody else live here that has a nose?"
"We all have noses," I said.
"Good," he said, "Just take me to one of them."
"I'm not taking you to my family."
"Well then, I'll just hop right back into you."
"No you wont," I said.
"Do you know the magic words?"
"What magic words?"
"If you don't know the words," he said, "Then you can't tell me what I can and can't do."

At that point I dropped the paper towel in the toilet and flushed it. I thought I was so clever. But when I woke up this morning the Sinus Demon was back. So I went to church and asked my minister about it. I expected that she would have some kind of exhorcism to perform. But she just said, "Did you try blowing your nose, really, really hard?"