Hurricanes

I have bad news for everyone. I recently discovered that on the list of names for Hurricanes for this year is none other than Michael. This is odd because currently we are on John, and I thought they alternated between male and female names. But that is neither here nor there.

People, I must warn you about the potential dangers of a Hurricane Michael. I like to consider myself the quintessential Michael, and therefore, a good litmus test for what a Hurrican by such a name could do. The prospects are somewhat frightening.

Michael, as a Hurricane, will probably be pretty damn lazy. I recon it will linger about in the Atlantic watching cartoons when it should be growing and gaining strength. While it is a young hurricane it won't amount to much at all. Don't get me wrong, all the forecasters will predict great things from this Hurricane. But he will remain unmotivated, and he won't "live up to his potential." If you are lucky it will pass you over while it is somewhat new.

After college Hurricane Michael will really start to regret the choices he made, and also didn't make. He will regret being where he is and he may take it out on the land and people around him. You don't want to be beneath him at this point in his life. While he will never be a 'high class' hurricane, he will possess an ability to make you feel incredibly bad about yourself. He will also rant, on and on and on, about what a miserable failure he has become. This will not hurt you, of course, but you will want to die.

Later, entering middle age, Michael will obtain a new focus. You do not want to be near him at this point. Everyone will have written Michael off as a bloviated thunderstorm, but I believe it is at this point that he will become truly devastating. Something people will not forget. Hope he has already passed you here.

While Michael may never been able to blow up to 100 miles per hour he can still unleash some fairly devestating winds. Especially after eating too much cheese. Most people can handle their own smell, while the people around them wretch and writhe, however Hurricane Michael will create some vaporous monsters that will drive even the dogs from their station to seek fresher climes. So, while he may not be terribly fast, or terribly motivated, it could make a pretty big stink. Let us pray it does not pass over any dairy farms.

On the brighter side, the eye of a Hurricane Michael is probably totally sexy. If you get caught in the eye, don't forget to look at it; pensive, penatrating, humorous, jovial. All the things a wonderful eye can be. And it will be Hazel. Hazel is better than green because it also has brown. And brown is cool.