Classy/Letter 20

Ok, I have to be the first to say that the following letter is probably the classiest one I have written to date.

Letter 20:

Dear [adult swim],

I sometimes wonder if women have the same work/poop hang ups as men. Cause, I mean, things are different for them, physiologically, and so, well, it's a bit more convenient. So do they touble over the question: to suffer or to crap? I know men do.

At some point in every man's life he's sitting on the toilet in the first grade bathroom, the ones that were actually in the classroom, minding his own business and concentrating on the task at hand, when he hears his name being called.

"Has anyone seen Michael?" the teacher would ask. "He was just here a second ago."

The class would rustle and a quite voice would mumble something that the poor pooper's ears could not strain to hear. Then the door would fly open and that jackass Paul Glass would be standing there. "Yep, told ya. He's taking a dump." And when he walked away he totally left the door open and half the class could look in. Then every couple of seconds a girl's head would appear in the doorway and giggle until finally the teacher appeared and said, "Hurry up, Michael, we have work to do."

Every man has a story like that. You could put any name in there.

And every man can remember a time in second grade where he went to the community restroom to go number two and the stall door wouldn't lock. Then in came a couple of fifth graders and they started opening the door and teasing him because he was pooping. And they'd punch him in the arm because the smell was aggravating them. Then finally the assistant principal came in and dragged the fifth graders off the the principal's office and made the boys apologize over the intercom for "Teasing Michael X while he was taking a dump!"

Every man remembers such trauma. But I wonder if women share in this bathroom anxiety. If you're already sitting is there a dilemma?

If you believe my wife then the answer is no. She says women don't poop. But I know that's not true. One time, when I was younger, this girl slept over at my house, and when I woke up there was a giant turd in my shoe. There was no other explanation.

Michael
March 14, 2007