Letter 6

Dear [adult swim],

When I was 19 I heard the voice of the Lord. I was in the mall.

I have always been a people watcher. Not in a creepy way. I don't stare and mumble, or touch myself. I just watch. I watch how they walk, how they interact, how they cheat on girlfriends in public, and how they dump cheating boyfriends in public. It's fun.

Anyway, one day I was sitting on a beach at the mall and I noticed this pretty lady walking in my general direction. She was probably in her late twenties-early thirties, and she was not drop-dead gorgeous. She was pretty; not too tall, not too short. Her hair was dark blonde or light brown, I can't recall. And her skin was average.

She probably didn't know I was watching her, and in truth I was about to turn my gaze elsewhere, lest she think I was a letch. Then she dropped her keys. And when she bent over to pick up her keys I saw right down her shirt. And a beam of light burst forth from it and shown upon me. It was pure white with lightning on the sides and time stood still. All around me the world froze as golden rays bathed my face and the voice of the Lord spake.

"Michael," it said. And then it said some other stuff, but I wasn't paying attention. I was too busy looking at the cleavage.

If memory serves He said something about me getting a job at Cartoon Network's [adult swim] program, which didn't even exist at the time. He said it was important for the fate of mankind. Only I didn't hear how he told me to do it. I figure these letters are as good a way as any.

Anyway, if you catch me looking at cleavage it's not because I'm a freak. It's because I'm communing with a higher power.

Michael
February 28, 2007