Letter 13

Dear [adult swim],

I was so tired when I got home last night that I fell right asleep on the couch as the kids were watching Scooby Doo. I don't know if they tried to wake me and failed, or if they thought I needed the sleep, or if they just didn't want to deal with me, but the whole family just let me sleep right through dinner, home work, prime time, bed time, and everything. I woke up starving at about 3 am to a peculiar sound coming from the garage.

I staggered into the kitchen and decided that my hunger outweighed my curiosity to see what was in the garage. I looked on the stove and saw a box of pizza. I was cold. I grabbed a slice and unceremoniously crammed it into my mouth. Then I heard anohter sound from the garage. So I tossed the crust on the stove, grabbed another slice and opened the door the garage.

Normally the garage is lit because some people in the house would rather complain about the electricity bill than actually turn lights off that no one can see. Last night, however, the light was off. Even still I could immediately see that the whole area had been cleaned. Rebecca had taken care of all the boxes and made room to park my car. But the more I looked at my car the more I realized it didn't look like my car. It was ever so slightly small. And there is no way Rebecca could have afforded a new car. Then it moved.

Startled, I ran to the light switch and turned it on. What sat before me was not my car at all, but a four door, three quarter ton cockroach. I was too amazed to be terrified. Actually, I was totally terrified.

"Gimme the pizza!" it said.
"But it's my pizza," I said.
"Gimme the pizza or I lay eggs inside your children."

That was a hard one because I really wanted the pizza. You know how sometimes you order pizza and it's just ok? But sometimes you order it and it's just so freakin' good? Well this pizza was totally good. And my kids cost more and more money every day. Not to mention the fact that they didn't wake me for dinner.

"Both my kids?" I asked.
"Both."
"Dammit." I looked at the pizza. You gotta understand... this stuff was good.
"Well?" It said.
"FINE!" I fussed and handed him the pizza.
"Yes!" It shouted. "This is the best pizza!" Then it tore a hole in my garage and flew away.

When I went upstairs to bed I passed the kids room. They were sleeping peacefully and quietly. There were still seven slices of pizza in the box, and they were all delicious, but sometimes I wonder if I made the right decision.

Michael
March 7, 2007

Ps. I probably did.