Letter 4

Dear [adult swim],

I'm in a meeting right now. I don't normally write in meetings but this one is particularly boring. And so my mind started to wander and naturally I thought of the day that you offer me a job. I imagine that you will be dressed moderately casually, but there will probably be someone there from HR, and s/he will be in a suit. And s/he won't smile.

HR people aren't allowed to smile because if they do people will start to wonder what they know, like, did they finally follow through on those threats to run a background check? And if so, did they just check Georgia or did they look at Florida also? Because some of those things happened before the age of 18, and they are supposed to be expunged, dammit! And a little bit of pot never killed anyone, even if I had done it, which I haven't. And then you start to wonder, if they know all of your history, then how much longer will you have a job? And if they're gonna fire you, well then, they're not gonna need these paper clips at all. But I will because I'm gonna be unemployed. And I'm gonna need this paper for my resumes. And I'm gonna need this chair... I'm definitely gonna need this soft swivel chair to sit in and be depressed and wonder why I can't hold down a job.

Well, that's what other people would think if anyone from HR smiled. I'm not afraid of HR. I fight on the side of good. And the light side is stronger than the dark side. HR will fall! I can do the Jedi Mind Trick and Pilates!

And I'll be smooth and karate chop. And you will laugh at my humor and be in awe at my skill. And you will hire me beyond reason. And HR will shake their head till it explodes. And it will be messy with hair. And we will laugh and our eyes will meet. And you will fall in love with me., but I won't be into you in "that way." Then I'll come around and be into you, but you will be into someone in accounting. And then you will be into me and I'll be into you also, but it will be forbidden. And we will decide that it is for the best, and we will become friends. And I'll win a Grammy. And I'll dedicate it to you. Well, not just you. I'll dedicate it to God, and to my wife, and to my kids. I'll mention my parents and my brothers and sisters. Well, one brother and one sister, but tons of in-laws. And I'll have to mention my nieces and nephews because they'd be offended if I didn't. Then perhaps some grandparents, some really close cousins and a best friend or two. Then I'll say, "And I've forgotten someone... really sorry." That's you. And you'll be so glad you hired me.

Michael
February 26, 2007