Letter 11

I was on my way back to my office when I heard these two ladies behind me talking. They were discussing this and that about their kids, going on and on about the differences between girls and boys, and how they've learned over the years to be good mothers. Then one of the ladies said, "But my Jerry, he's graduating in a year," and the other lady said, "Are you kiddin' me? There ain't no way you're old enough to have a kid graduatin' from high school." "Not high school, baby," the first lady said, "Jerry is gettin' his bachelors." "Get outta here! You look so young. You look great! I'm jealous. What's your secret?"

The ladies were laying it on too thick and I couldn't resist. I had to get a look at his young mother behind me. So I chalantly turned around to look and just about jumped out of my skin. The woman was huge. She was bald on top with gray wispy hair on the sides. She had a mustache and more space between her teeth than she had teeth.

Then a very weird thing happened. The big lady's body continued talking to her friend but her spirit turned to me and said, "Would you like a scoop of ice cream, Hunny? I have two big scoops of chocolate if you wanna tuck away in the janitor's closet."

I stood perfectly still and smiled as my spirit puked all over the lobby floor.

"Ha ha ha," the huge ugly lady's spirit laughed. "I knew you could do it. My grandaddy called it Shining. My name's Carlie; Carlie La'Mont! We used to sit on grandaddy's porch for hours having long conversations without ever making a sound. It drove my mama crazy. Then grandaddy got hacked to pieces by some psycho in a rich man's resort one winter."

I could feel my real eyes and my spirit eyes bugg out. At that moment Jack Nocholson burst into the lobby with a fire axe in hand. "Here's Johnny!" he yelled and ran for Carlie La'Mont.

Luckily we have really good security and Fred the security guard popped a cap in his ass before he got within ten feet of her. "That's a shame," Fred shined. "I always liked his movies."

"They were ok," I shined while my spirit tapped his foot with my foot.

"I thought he was a jackass," Carlie La'Mont shined."

"I'm not dead," Jack's spirit shined wile his body lay unconscious. "He didn't hit any vital organs. I'll be fine... and I'll get you next year La'Mont!"

"My black ass you will," she shined and we all laughed.

Michael
March 5, 2007

Ps. I know "chalantly" is not a word, but I was afraid if I had said "non-nonchalantly" you would have thought I was a typical moron. And I am not your typical moron.

Pps. I suppose I could have said "indiscretely," but where is the humor in that?