Letter 2

Dear [adult swim]

Something horrible is happening to me. I'm not metamorphing into a cockroach or turning into a werewolf or becoming gay or anything. Those would at least be interesting; worthy of an intriguing conversation.

What's happening to me is so mundane it's terrifying. My eyebrows are growing longer. For over 20 years (give or take) my eyebrows have had no problem knowing the proper length to be. They'd grow that length then stop and I would be gorgeous.

But several years ago I noticed an errant eyebrow hair getting cocky and growing far longer than he had a right to do. So I dutifully plucked him. Well, apparently I martyred that hair and it took several years for his religious sect to catch on. But now it seems every time I look in the mirror my eyebrows are going Mad Scientist on me.

And it would seem some eyebrow hairs have made a trip or two to my ears to convert the natives.

I asked my doctor if there was a problem; like some kind of hormone imbalance, and she said, "No. It's just that time of your life."
"What time is that?" I asked. "Because I knew about puberty before it came. I was warned appropriately. But no one said anything about this."
"It's called your 30s."
"Well that's weak," I said.
"Yes. It is weak indeed," she said, and she chuckled.
"You're laughing at me."
"No, no," she said quite seriously. "That's God laughing at you."

This was the most honest thing anyone has ever said to me about religion.

Michael
February 24, 2007

Ps. Really I'm not in my 30s. I'm like 21... like.