Letter 12

Dear [adult swim],

Things I've learned.

* 1. It is not ok, according to my wife, to pee in the shower if the shower is not on.

2. It is also not ok to pee in the shower even if the shower is on, if you are not the one using the shower.

These are important rules I think. I pretty much disregard the first one if Rebecca is not home, and I have added a caveat to the second one: If the person in the shower is your wife's boyfriend then it is not only oi, but a familial responsibility to pee in a glass with ice and pour it over the top of the shower curtain, or to pee in the shampoo if you know ahead of time he is coming. Peeing directly on him will simply risk life and limb.

**I'm pretty sure this would be illegal now, but when I was in first grade my teacher taped me to my chair. It was just masking tape so I could easily get out of it. I pretended to be the Incredible Hulk as I tore through the pathetic bindings. Then Mrs. Chattam led me back to my seat by the ear and made me re-bind myself. She said I needed to learn the purpose of punishment.

I learned it. It's so nazi bitches can stamp out the creative joy in little boys.

*** When a woman says "I have a ham sandwich in the refrigerator," it is not a sexual innuendo. So ya know. And it is also not an invitation to eat her ham sandwich.

**** When you tell your friends that your absolute least favorite song in the history of the universe is Saturday in the Park, by Chicago, they will sing it to you as often as they can. This is because your friends are rotten bastards.

Michael
March 6, 2007

Ps. My hand is cramping.